Lessvember

This Movember thing was fun.  I always wanted to see how long my moustache would grow if I didn't shave it.

Turns out, not so much.

Poor excuse of a Foo-Man-Choo ftw!

Might Be The Lack Of Sleep Talking...

...but I miss having a baby.  I'm forgetting what it was like.

Now don't get me wrong, I love having my toddler.  But there's something about having a baby...

...yeah, I'm a girl

"He Has A Short Attention Span..."

So I went to my first ever parent-teacher interview this morning.  And that was the thing the teachers said about Eamon.

Naturally, I blamed his mother in front of them.  Unsurprisingly, none of them believed me.

That's my boy!

Reality Check

So hard to let go; so hard not to have regret.

I'm not a Martyr.

One day I'll have an answer and maybe I won't have that dark cloud following me around anymore

Thank Goodness For Old Wise Chinese Woman

So after pulling my groin which in turn totally effed up the rest of my body, I went to a massage therapist recommended by Laurie.  This was an older Chinese woman, who, to me, has some crazy magical powers.  She fixed my body without me even telling her exactly where it hurt.

Couple that with another epsom salt bath (yeah, wtf?), and I think I'll be sleeping better tonight.  I hope

Bruk Down Body

So I pulled my groin playing basketball.  And the pain extended towards my back as well.  Hurts something firece, even with the massage therapy I received.

Took an epsom salt bath and while my skin is left feeling refreshed, I'll have to see tomorrow how my back and groin muscles respond.  It was a nice bath though.  I thought there were a few moments I was going to nod off in the bathtub.   lol

And really, how the hell do I ask an RMT to massage my groin without looking like a perv?  I mean, I do so well (for the most part) hiding it.

Oh, and all this concentration on my body parts has also got me realizing I'm becoming more than pudgy and my malaise towards the whole situation should be troubling.  I'll always have this sense of what I want to look like and if I continually have my doubts of getting there I figure I'll always have that motivation.  So why the eff am I so apathetic right now?  Gotta git back on it

When Exactly Will I Be Ready?

Yeah, I don't know.

*  *  *

I've been doing a lot of non-sensical entries lately.  As is, my mind and my emotions.  Sometimes I'm my worst enemy (make that 99.9% of the time).  I've been trying.  Maybe I actually need help and someone to talk to?  Or maybe I don't and I'm just overthinking things.

Regardless, I was sent a poignant quote from Laurie that I like:

"If you are suffering in your life right now, I guarantee that this condition is tied up with some kind of attachment to how you think things should be going. Affirm, "I release the need to determine how things "should" be."

Now then, how the hell do I exactly follow it?

*  *  *

Oh, and I've also been swearing a whole lot now.  I know that signifies something, but maybe I've been so stuck up the past few years that it's acting like a release valve of sorts.  Of course.

My sleep patterns are also worse than it's ever been (as evidenced by this post).

As is the theme for the other aspects of my life, I'm not sure what to make of this.  Am I the person I was?  Am I the person I want to be?

Maybe I just have to stop reflecting and just be

And Here Comes Another Freakout

Feeling dumb, stupid, naive.

Argh.

Gotta get stronger and focus on the present and the future...

Just Takes A Second

Good good good good good freakout good good good good delusional good good good good freakout good crap good can'tstopthinkingandbeingemotional good good good.

No wonder I turn to it.  Can't be good.

Good good good freakout good good good justforgetdammit good good good overthinkerig good good...

Now What? Look At It

Don't forget to see the forest from the trees.

Big picture.

Big picture.

Day by day, step by step until sweet, sweet...

Relapses suck

Turning Pages

Sometimes a book is really good.  Sometimes, most times, unfortunately, it has to end.

The memories of that book will always stay, but it's someone else's.

Thank you for letting me read yours.  H8usm4vr.

I have to start writing my own book...

"Son, Can I Have Some Of Your Croissant?"

"No.  Cry first."

"I'm not going to cry for a croissant"

"No."

That's my boy.

I'm Sickish

My kid to me after I tell him that:  "do you need to go to hospital?"

*  *  *

Haven't done a funny parents story in a while.  My Mom was over and trying to have a conversation with Eamon.  She asked him, "do you sing O'Canada at school?  Let's sing it together...O'Canada...our guiding home land...okay, Eamon, you sing it"

*  *  *

Quandry

What Are You Thankful For?

I'm thankful that my life isn't as bad as it could have potentially been.

I'm also thankful for the light of my life, the little boy who makes me smile (of course, as I have incessantly said over and over).

I am not thankful for not wearing more toques after I just got this haircut.  I have to remember to do so as a lot of heat gets lost when I cut the top and as a result I always tend to get a cold.  Like right now.  Yargh

Don't Grow Up Too Fast, Little Boy

I kiss and hug my boy as much as I can whenever he's with me.  One day he'll grow up where he doesn't want me to do that anymore, and I'll have to be okay with that.  In the meantime, I'm gonna enjoy every last moment I can doing this stuff with my crazy little retard (I say that endearingly, of course).

Random thought as I remembered how I felt when I was swimming with him this morning, which in itself is an activity that is one of the highlights of my week

Where's The Motivation?

No, seriously, where did the energy go?  Somedays I feel it, but lately I've been moving like molasses.

Gotta get going...gotta stop just coming on to here to complain.

Happy notions:

-my son is getting to be a big boy and the Montessori claims that he is really smart and cute and gets away with stuff just when he smiles.  He truly is, some days, the only reason I smile

-the house stuff is coming along.  If I do a lookback on how it is now to when I bought it, I think I've been doing an okay job.  I just have to remember that stuff like what I'm doing takes a heck of a long time, so I shouldn't get down on myself if I'm not further along to where I unrealistically wanted to be

-this song:  http://youtu.be/ztV8ONIMgmo

-new/old friendships I've been having lately

-that maybe it's working and that I still have some optimism

Uhtz Uhtz Dance

Well these Thursday nights have been...interesting.

Need to refocus again.

Seriously have to refocus.  Painting should have been done already

Further And Further

Not sure where I'm at or if it's where I want to be...but it'll be okay.  Things happen for a reason, right?

One day the answer will be there.  One far off day

Crazy (Sugar-Filled) Weekend

Ohhhh....so this is what is meant as having no weekend due to it being all for the child and child's activities.  Smorgasports, swimming, Michael's bday, Cruz's bday...no wonder it was a tiring weekend.

Kiddo is going to be with me for the next 3 days as his mother is going to Ottawa to help Debbie after she has her foot operation.  I guess I should figure out what to cook and stuff.

By the way, this kid has a crazy vocabulary as I'm being told by multiple strangers.  Recent things he's said:

-"Daddy, it's bullDOZER.  Say it Daddy, say it" (after calling it "bow-zer" for a long time, he was always shying away from saying it because we always tried to correct him and saying "say it" afterwards.  Now he learned how to say it and is trying to teach me)

-"The am-balance is going to the hosPITal" (after calling it "hops-tible" for a long time as well).  That smartass.  Love that guy

I Have To Do This To Remember

Been slacking on jotting down my memories.  Coincidentally, my memory seems to be going wayward a lot and I forget to do this.

So my boy has started Montessori and the teacher there consistently heaps praise about him to his Mother and I.  They especially say how articulate he is.  That, for one, I will agree with.  It's crazy how big his vocabulary has gotten and his sense and rationalizing.  It's also crazy how responsible he has gotten in the sense wow....he's starting to go to the bathroom (sans #2) by himself.  The other day he did when I was downstairs cooking, and he didn't make a mess at all.  Also hilarious that he put both of his legs through one shorts leg hole and his underwear.  It was quite amusing.

I feel so damn lucky I have a good and smart kid.  I'm sure he's understanding that his parents aren't together anymore as we tell him nothing but the truth.  I see him listening and analyzing and in a way accepting.  I'm sure there are going to be many bumps along the way, but nothing I hope we can't handle.

Other developments?  Who knew I would be getting to be better friends with certain people I never thought I would be with?  Also, the house is coming along (new windows, doors, ceiling make for a nice fresher look) and I can actually see light at the end of the tunnel!  (sort of).  Oh, and I think that's it for the "money".  Time to really budgetize. Finally, the WNV season is coming to a close and thus I'll be back in my old work life soon.  I have a feeling next year I'll be a little sad

*  *  *

Still lost; still trying to figure stuff out.  Might take a lifetime; just trying to enjoy the ride in the meantime.  Still feeling anxiety, still feeling stress, still feeling...sad about many things.  But I remain optimistic that things will get better.  Just gotta keep pushing on and not staring back so much as just looking back every once in a while.

Panty lined!