I Miss The Warmth

I miss the feeling of having feelings. I miss holding someone and being held.

I hate it when timing in life is not ideal. I hate looking back on life and feeling stupid about things. Most of all, I hate obsessing over those things and not being able to move forward. 

Why doesn't it make sense? Why do I feel like all my dreams were shattered? Why is it that what made sense doesn't make sense anymore?

I need to rebuild. I need to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what I thought it would be.  I need to let go of the anger and sadness.

I am lucky that I don't have those urges to kill myself, despite the fact I've given up on life right now.  I'm lucky things are afloat.

Do you know what you've done to me? Do you know what I'm doing to myself?  Do you know what I think now?  Do you even care?

Incoherent babblings that only make sense to me can be soothing. I need to sustain the catharsis 

What Point Do I Give Up The Dreams?

Question I often ask myself. More so than usual lately.

I guess I didn't realize how...messed up?...I've been. I'm still a ways a way from being where I want to be.

I'm angry and upset and sad. I know why but I can't articulate it. I know with whom (especially myself) but I'm trying to let it go.  It's tough. I feel like I betrayed myself with the dreams, thoughts, feelings and desires.  I can't sleep because lately it's all I've been thinking about.

Not everything is what it seems.  What happens when what you thought something was real but it turns out to be something you're just not sure about anymore?

But...I will not stop fighting. I have to keep at it.  I have to stop being so discouraged. I have to stop obsessing. I have to trust myself. I need to believe I will overcome. 

I have to learn to say fuck it to myself.  Fuck it.

Things happen in life for a reason. I may not like or understand that reason, but the reason is still there.

I will be who I want to be. It will get there.  I.  Will.

Is This Really Going To Happen?

It's way more nauseatingly awkward when I read it outloud.

I guess I should give it a chance though

Close Your Eyes

Surprises today.  Can't sleep.

http://youtu.be/WdbUjiR_lpU

When will this stupid guilt complex go away?

*  *  *

I wish I could forget.  How do I get out of this mindset?

Handling It Like A Chump

Knew this would happen.

Why can't I just be normal-ish?

The Day I Realized My Boy Remembers Songs On The Radio

Made me amazed.  Until I realized it was Katy Perry's "Roar".  But whatever, he's awesome.

Helped me smile today since I got all flustered.  I hate I'm not able to cope with feelings/emotions as well as I would like to.

I'm beginning to really think I need a therapist.  lol

*  *  *

Nice seeing you today

Oh Hello Glass Ankle

Sucks.  Sprained the ankle while playing ball.  It's just a little tender...like my heart.  Lol.  Gay.

I hope it's a fast recovery.  Best part about this sprained ankle, if there is one?  I still made the shot!  (Wannabe) ballah!

*   *   *

Also a hello again?  Hello again not being able to sleep.

Why am I so miserable when I have so much to be grateful for?

I carried my boy and danced with him while the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows" was playing.  I haven't been so happy.  I dread the day when he's too grown up.  Sigh.

See?  Again...why do I look at the sadness?  I have a lot in life to learn still

All In The Blink Of An Eye

http://youtu.be/QL3N-jn8MC0

I need to get going.  Time to stop standing still and even moving back...

What I Came Up With, 2014

I guess I should do another New Year's Resolution quasi-list:

-back to working out

-run a 1/2 marathon

-back to no swearing

-learn to let go

-learn to forgive (especially myself)

-more patience (especially with myself)

-better father

-better friend (especially with myself)

-eat healthier

-stay motivated

-finish projects

-be open minded

-trust myself more

Here's to a better 2014!  My life is good, could be so much worse...I hope I never lose sight of this fact and don't take it for granted.

"You don't need to know where you're going, as long as you're going forward"

That Time Already?

Holy crikes...already New Year's time.

Years past I would be taking the time to determine resolutions for the upcoming year.  This year I don't know if I'll have any or at least a lot of them.  My life has completely changed...I'll try to think of a few

Miserable Day

Even more so than usual.

Sigh

Ice Stormin'

So this weather has been beautiful but nuts. My neighbour's tree looks like it's been amputated; I'm just glad it didn't crash into my backyard.

I'm also seeing my baby boy grow up more and more everyday.  I'm really enjoying these moments with him...it helps me forget about the pangs of loneliness I feel sometimes.

I gotta snap out of this funk I've been in.

Get up and gogogo

Painting And Thinking Again

Painting pretty late again (my fault; I also started pretty late).  Still fighting this bug.

Luckily (?), it is somewhat relaxing, but it also leads to (over)thinking.  About life.  And what's in store, what I maybe missed, the wrongs of the past, the sadness.

I wonder if there is a karma for me, both good and bad.

Hoping that one day my heart and my mind will find what it is looking for.

I should sleep and find my dreams again

Vay-nay 2013

Well the last half of the mini vacation kind of sucked. I spent it trying to get over / ignore the sickness. As a result, I have an excuse for why I didn't finish the renos I wanted to finish. Sigh

Semi-Vaycay 2013

Nothing like the feeling of the start of extended time off of work.  It's gonna be hectic in a few weeks from now, but I'm going to enjoy this feeling at the beginning of it.

Of course I'm gonna try to catch up on a lot of house-work, but whateves

Lessvember

This Movember thing was fun.  I always wanted to see how long my moustache would grow if I didn't shave it.

Turns out, not so much.

Poor excuse of a Foo-Man-Choo ftw!

Might Be The Lack Of Sleep Talking...

...but I miss having a baby.  I'm forgetting what it was like.

Now don't get me wrong, I love having my toddler.  But there's something about having a baby...

...yeah, I'm a girl

"He Has A Short Attention Span..."

So I went to my first ever parent-teacher interview this morning.  And that was the thing the teachers said about Eamon.

Naturally, I blamed his mother in front of them.  Unsurprisingly, none of them believed me.

That's my boy!

Reality Check

So hard to let go; so hard not to have regret.

I'm not a Martyr.

One day I'll have an answer and maybe I won't have that dark cloud following me around anymore

Thank Goodness For Old Wise Chinese Woman

So after pulling my groin which in turn totally effed up the rest of my body, I went to a massage therapist recommended by Laurie.  This was an older Chinese woman, who, to me, has some crazy magical powers.  She fixed my body without me even telling her exactly where it hurt.

Couple that with another epsom salt bath (yeah, wtf?), and I think I'll be sleeping better tonight.  I hope