"Is That Santa Claus Daddy?"

https://youtu.be/7scbdxigicg

That's my boy, cracking me up as always 

Oof. Stomach Punch?

Perhaps.

How did I find myself here again?  Lots to contemplate, lots to learn. Especially in life 😳

Grown Ass Men Shouldn't Be Drinking Blue Drinks, Right?

Screw it though, I enjoy it.  Especially when it's only $1 at Harvey's.

Cheap guy score!

Hold The Door Hodor

So six years later the reveal is there. So sad, GoT

Why Yes, Buh...

...it appears that I still do keep (very sparingly) this blog active.  Just saw when I first started and whoa, 12 years later, it's still here.

I find that I get tentative looking back on my posts.  It's a reflection and a recording of how much my life has changed in a dozen years.

Am I at where I want to be in life at this point?  Honestly, the answer to that is "where did I even think I was going to be?"  I know now not to have these idealized visions of happiness or success or of life itself...I just have to go through thoughts/feelings/actions every day hoping for the best.  And usually? It turns out pretty good!  There will always, always be ups and downs.  I just gotta ride the wave and try to have fun while it happens.

With that said...what's next?  Also, what's with the anxiety?

Acura Rims On A Honda?

Is this what it's become?

Hell yeah!

Hoping to get it today...

"Don't Ever Feel Guilty"

Another Tremendous conversation as said by Dip. Right. Because it's that easy

Closer To 40 Than 30

Whoa

Being Sick Ain't Sick

In that slang way. Bleh. 

Lowest Point

This is the lowest point I've ever felt like as a parent. I hate myself right now. I just hope that this is the start of me rectifying my behavior and actions. I feel sick

Where Did That Chipmunk Come From?

Cray

The List For 2016

1. Do that thing

2. Finish this thing

3. Start those things

4. Repeat #2 a few times

That just about wraps that up.

Keep looking forward and figure it out as you go along and don't forget to smile 😁

"Don't Become Your Emotions"

Obviously easier to say than do for someone like me. Picked that quote up while doing the learning modules for being a "hockey coach". Inaccurate descriptor there aside, it was an okay course I guess.

Now then, back to figuring things out yet again

Crossing Lines?

What if it's just a dot...that's not bad, right?

(Ooooo crypticism again)

*  *  *

Near the end of the year already. Crazy. Life is becoming a blur. I hope I remember things in the future. Like, for example, my son barfing in my bed this past Saturday. The smell!

So this is what is meant by parenting

Pigs?

So it was kindergarten observation day, where the parents come in for an hour and observe a regular day of kindergarten. It was fun watching my pride and joy in his learning environment.

There was one piece of artwork on the wall where the student took a picture of their favourite body part and they had to explain why it was their favourite. My son? "My favourite body part is my nose. I like it so I can smell pigs."  Wtf? Gawd I love him

"That's Better That's Better That's Better"

...things my ever amusing son said while peeing after apparently really needing to.

He makes me so happy

HeeBeeJeeBees...Or Rather HeeWaspJeeWasps

Okay so there is the biggest wasps nest I've ever seen in between my soffit and roof in the garage. Normally I do everything by myself to remediate a problem, but yeah...thanks to My Girl I'm freaked out. Gonna have to figure this out...in other words, $$$. Blah

Let There Be Light

All it takes is for my electrical wiring to work (lights, fan, check!) and I forget about how tired/unmotivated I get while in the midst of doing a long and tedious reno project. I think.

Anyway, it's getting there...eventually

Cedar On My Mind

Been thinking about refinishing my porch ceiling in cedar. Did I mention I still haven't finished my bathroom reno?

But of course  

Basketball Uppercut

Ugh. These are the times I wonder if I should just quit basketball because I'm too delicate. Most likely not. But the elbow to my jaw when playing today made me feel like my jaw was busted. This is how I know I'll always hate violence and wonder how the hell people punch each other in the face.

Which reminds me, I gotta buy more Advil 

Another Thing He Doesn't Need Me For?

So he woke up, peed and brushed his teeth by himself.

This boy is growing up

"Where's Haha And Toto?"

My son and his monkeys and his imagination. Makes me laugh so much. 

He has four monkeys: Titi, Haha, Toto and Toto.  There are small nuances amongst them that he can discern (freaky) and he's convinced they're real.  In fact, he's convinced his Mom and me that they are, because if one of them (especially Titi, his BFF...or is that BMF?) goes missing, well then all hell breaks loose because he cries uncontrollably and can't sleep.

Anyway, he's in Ottawa this week and I asked him on the phone where Haha and Toto were (other Toto has been "going with me to work" this week).  He responded that they are at home at his Mom's house. I asked him why didn't he take them with him to Ottawa...his response?

"Because they're oncall."

Haa.

*  *  *

Been a week now since I did that call where a guy committed suicide on his balcony (I was actually standing on the spot where his body was). I guess it affected me more than I thought.  I feel bad for the landlord who found him, because if I found him I'm pretty sure it would highlight how not as strong mentally I purport to be.

Gotta keep living!

Still I Dream

http://youtu.be/9H9nROUwXoA

Hope I'm not fooling myself. It's out there, I just need timing on my side.

Can't ever lose the faith, I gotta keep smiling 

Ray Donovan

Good show!  Found this song from there: http://youtu.be/jMR6E7QKuQU

Speak In Front Of 215 People?

No problem! Right?

Yikes I haven't done this for a while.  Should be interesting

49:59.8!!!

Sweet!!! Quite happy I broke 50 mins (and with minimal training as well) in this, my 11th year in a row doing the Mississauga Marathon 10k race.  I honestly never thought I would break 50 minutes again in my life, but sometimes I get lucky.

So I guess this will be my blueprint for next year, based on what I did his year:

-only run a maximum of 5km at a time after running 10km from the Oakville Race

-run only, like, 8 times since the last 10km race

-drink vitamix smoothies on the Thursday, and eat fish and chips on the same Thursday

-go salsa dancing on Friday evening, and eat shawarma on rice and bits and bites late night on the same Friday

-take child skating on Saturday morning. Eat chicken pot pie for lunch, take a nap with a child that doesn't want to sleep.  Watch some videos on iPad while cleaning when woken up, drink a protein shake, eat a powerbar. Get to GO station 30 minutes before race. Run to start line to make sure I can check my bag (with three minutes to spare!). Drink powergel with plenty of caffeine in it. Wear new shoes I never wore before (thanks Bioped!). 

-run like crazy to ensure the coworkers you invited to the race running for the first time don't beat you, ignore the pain, make sure you give high fives to everyone watching even if they aren't offering you a high five, take a second or two to stop and drink water along the race, scream a couple of times to hype yourself up, spit when you inadvertently have a bug fly in your mouth, apologize to the people behind you

-run as fast as you possibly can near the end, take a moment to tickle Micky Sipin while you beat him by ten steps (!)

-gorge on wings afterwards. Of course. 

Good times! Definitely got he runners high right now 😁

Four...Four?!?

Stop growing son! I miss you as a baby so much.

He's so smart and awesome...don't think I ever deserved anything in my life as great as him, but I'll keep him (forever)

That's Some Expensive Tastes There

I'm currently munching on this carby goodness known as Ace Bakery Aged Cheddar crisps. This stuff be so good but so expensive! I only bought it because it was on sale...purchased much like the rest of my forays to the grocery store when fancy things be on sale. 

*  *  *

Losing an hour of sleep tonight...not that it matters much. I seem to be lacking in that department. I've been doing a crazy amount of salsa lately but not the other things. Gotta get back on it

Latest Hobby/Way To Work Myself Into Annoyance:

Read the comments/posts on anti-vaxxer articles.

Seriously, why do I do it? Lol

*  *  *

Finally getting over his sickness I had the past week. First time in years I've taken more than one sick day in a row.

Maybe it's the vaccine? Lol

I feel bad for my boy but it's been a nice few days with him (albeit us being a bit miserable at times. Well, me way more than my jolly son)

CoughShush

I hate being sick. Absolutely hate it. I've been nursing a head cold the past few days and I've been a bit miserable (especially considering I'm going out with the workmates on Friday). 

Anyway my boy is with me tonight and I'm in bed. Everytime I cough, I hear a shush from the other room. It's making me laugh. I love this age he is at...I sometimes wish he never grows up

Because This Happens

I enjoy playing bball with the guys on Sunday nights, but there is a drawback...

...I can't fall asleep until late.  Doesn't help I ate Noodle Wok at 1030.  Idiot.

Gonna officially start my four month contract with IPAC tomorrow.  Should be interesting, if not fun. Lots to learn! Too bad I'll be quite tired tomorrow. Meh. 

*  *  *

Basement Reno on the near horizon? Yikes

The List For 2015

Let's see...

1.  Spend more time listening to my boy and being more patient

2.  Be a better salsa dancer and learn bachata (haa)

3.  Focus more and finish renos started

4.  Bring lunches way more

5.  Find happiness (okay, now I'm getting ridiculous)

6.  Start weight training more

7.  Start running more

8.  Stop wanting more (not really...lol...that would just negate this entire list)

*  *  *

Reflecting on my life as I officially enter my mid-30's...wtf? How did I get here?  Lol. Gotta live more but not put too much pressure on myself to do so. I am living and I have to ignore my age sometimes

"Don't Work So Much Daddy"

Well that is one way to make you feel like a bad father. I'm day 5 of this 7 day oncall shift, so Eamon hasn't been sleeping at my place and it would appear he wants nothing more than to. I feel bad having to tell him "when you get older, son, you'll see that sometimes you have to work hard so you make money so you can pay for things". But damn if this isn't going to be one of those moments I regret not spending more time with my rapidly growing baby.

...Or I just have to suck it up because I only have two more days to go. But whateves, this sh*t really pulls at my heart strings

Christmas Time. Christmas Time?!?

Wowza. As always, that came fast. 

Gotta start living a better life!

And He's Going To "The Happiest Place On Earth"

Debatable, that title.

Anywho, my boy is going with his mom and his grandparents to Florida for a week. What am I going to do? Feeling like I'm already missing him. Luckily I'm oncall for the majority of the week to keep me occupied (hopefully not that occupied). I also have all these projects I'm yet to finish...errrr...

Still Clicking!

Great past week...did the half marathon in 2:10 and survived despite having some cramping knees and arm (?).  Did a 5k run this morning with the workmates and the boy where we dressed up as superheroes.  Immense feeling of pride as the progeny won for best costume and he posed and hammer it up for the crowd and cameras, and my team also won for best costumes. And to cap it off, I ran 24:59, the best 5k race I ever did (and pushing Eamon's stroller to boot). Things are good!

When Things Click

It was a great past couple of days...quality time with the love of my life (my boy), my bowling tournament seemed to have gone well, and I'm getting the hang of this salsa thing.  I took the MiWay and TTC today to pick up my race kit, enjoyed traversing Toronto like a newcomer, and all this despite getting rear ended a few days ago (cars get fixed, luckily no one was hurt).

Now all I have to do is survive this half marathon on Sunday...lol.

But...things are good! I've come a long way, but still have a longer way to go...

I Still Blog...Sort Of

Pedorthist Jools asked me randomly if I still blog.  I mean, I do, sort of. But ever since life has changed for me (marriage ending), the desire hasn't really been there.

I've always been one for history and sentimentality (I've been doing this for more than ten years now?), but I guess I've just become a more...different person. I won't say jaded (life is good, I really can't complain).  Maybe just a bit more...private? Introspective? Maybe I'm looking to change the person I am, which includes letting go of much of the past?

I dunno.  I doubt anyone even reads this anymore, including myself at times.

But the original intent is still there: to see what I was up to at a point in time in my life; a place to hone my (erratic) writing skills; somewhere to develop my humour/thoughts by writing it out; a place to be dramatic and cryptic; and a place to allow some people into my life that I wouldn't actually share otherwise. I hope it evolves to something better for me

Well That Was A Great Three Years

Tomorrow I wrap up my three year commitment at the WNV program. A lot happened in the three years both professionally and personally, and I am actually quite grateful for the time I had there.

I won't miss the traffic driving back home, but I sure as heck will miss everything else. But of course, all good things...

What Made Me Oddly Happy Today

Playing ball with the weekly crew, I made a full speed, running layup. With my left hand.

Booyakashaa!

Oh Crap My Passport!

Went to a resort in the US and realized I got got my passport. How the hell am I going to get home?

And then I woke up

Time To Break Back

I seriously gotta get crackin'. Gotta find the time and effort to do this project cause the summer is running out.

And Wowza where did I get the idea I am able to afford this project? Lol

Ah well...money comes, money goes

Guardians Of The Freakin Galaxy

Watched the movie today with Michael (he's turning 12 next month? The f?). One of the best movies I've seen in a while. Only sucks that the sequel is in three years. Yargh

http://youtu.be/iPKXTwQPJHQ

In Which I Realize Dancing Is Tough

Went to a salsa practice for the first time last night. Holy crap! I have to practice a damn lot. Yargh

That Time I Almost Died Rafting

But it was so worth it! Great times, and I hope to do it again next year, but in the faster, more dangerous boat!

Also good times for a quick visit to Ottawa and Montreal with Clavo, Kelvin and Walter.  My poor tummy though...

Food Poisoning?

Gawd dang aren't I a health inspector? What happened there? Lol. 

(Oh right, Kim fook yuen and standard sweets Indian buffet happened.)

Hope I get better for my one planned vacation this year to the Ottawa River and rafting and Montreal. Also I'm oncall...really hope I don't get called tonight. 

#doh

Happy Canada Day 2014!

Always one of my favourite days of the year. I'm always feeling grateful and lucky to live here. It's easy for me to complain whenever something minor doesn't go my way, but I always try to never lose sight of he fact that this is home for me.

With that said, hooray for double-time overtime work! Sweltering in the sun and humidity working at Brampton's Canada Day celebration (along with mosquito trap pickup in the morning), and kind of tired from last nights excursion with thekambals and Pete and Ron, but the extra money I'm making makes it all worth it.

Also, having not seen my son since last Friday (Sharon took him to Ottawa to see Debbie), I'm quite excited to see my little terror tomorrow...just gotta finish these chores here somehow

Been A While

Anything different?

Not that much.

Fathers Day tomorrow. Might be a bit rough, but generally it will be good as long as I got my love, my babybabybaby

Will It Bug Me Forever?

Maybe. 

But whatever, such is life.

 *  *  *

Well that was interesting. Maybe I'll give it one more shot but let's see what else is out there

They Weren't Always Right

As I grow older I start to realize that the household I grew up in as a child is not the same one I want for my child. Yeah, there was love and caring and all of that, but there are certain aspects I've realized that I shouldn't transfer over to me being a parent. 

For one, I vow to grow up listening to my child, reasoning with what he says, and if I truly feel like I'm in the wrong, I wouldn't hesitate to apologize. I certainly wouldn't ask him, angrily and with raised voice "who the f*ck do you think you are?" And then request for him not to come over with his child anymore. In front of his child. And he's an adult himself. 

And I sure as hell would respect the way he feeds and raises his child, unless it was outrageously unhealthy for the child.

I know I can't shelter him from all the unpleasanties of the world and that this is one of those moments he grows and realizes that the world can be fucked up sometimes, but it still sucks when he considers himself the reason for his Lolo and Daddy arguing.

I'm grateful for the life I've lived, sure, but to be real there are always going to be resentments that I'll hold. Easier said than done, of course.

I'm also going to remember this line ArJ said: "you don't demand respect; you earn respect"

Any day now they will no longer be here. I'm not wishing for it to happen, but I just know it and a sad part of me thinks of how relieved I'd be. I'm sure I'll regret the last part of what I just said there, but the angst I feel right now numbs me to any thought or idea of that.

My job is to put Eamon in the best position in life that he can be. I owe that much to him. It is not wrong of me to think the things I am right now...

Napping...It's Awesome

Especially when you've been so exhausted and full of junk food.

I fear the return of sloth. Must get at 'em...

10 Years Strong!

So we just did the 10k race yesterday, Arvin and my 10th year in a row doing it. And wouldn't you know it, he beat me again by a mere 3 seconds. Doh. So many things during the race I did in four seconds I could've not done. Lol.  Ah well, it's always gonna be that way with this skinnier, healthier bastard. Lol.

Hopefully this will push me to run more and get ready for the half marathon come October, but you know...nah

"Challenged" (no complaints here)

So I just had a pretty intense week with almost getting called into jury duty fir an eight week (!) period.

I already told the judge of my profession thinking it would get me off, but the judge told me I was not deferred. 

I got up into the stand and 3 of the 4 deciderers felt I was appropriate for jury duty. Then the last one challenged me (thus bringing me out of contention to be a juror).  No challenge here!

I contend that I would not have minded doing this if it wasn't for the WNV program coming up.  It would've been an interesting experience. Let's see how I feel though if I get called again...

(Justice does have to be served either way. If I am part of that, I would gladly accept that and no joke, would think it's part of my civic duty. I live in one of the best places in the world and I try not to lose sight of that, so yes, I would not mind giving back and being part of something that makes this society the way it is)

Acupuncture? Acupuncture.

So I finally got around to going to my old Chinese women massage/acupuncture place to heal my nagging ankle.

Acupuncture and acupressure and the massage hurt almost as bad as the injury itself, but dang did it work wonders.  These ladies know their stuff, which just goes along my theory that if you're old, a woman, Chinese and seem to be wise, you generally know your sh*t. Lol

*  *  *

Just came back from the annual AYCE Jays game with the boys from work. Seriously...i think we have to retire doing this. We're all getting up there in age and the spectacle of seeing Argana down 21 hot dogs is more scary now than fascinating. 

Regardless, fun times.  We even went to maple leafs square to catch the rest of the Raptors playoff game...which they lost. Whompwhomp

Staycation Results

So I had a week off. It was nice to decompress, I guess. In keeping with my plan not to put too much pressure on myself to do too much, I'm glad to say I accomplished the following this past week:

-watched the whole season 4 of The Walkng Dead

-removed the old cabinets from the previous kitchen Reno and mounted them in Sharon's garage and brought home some for my garage

-bought (a little) better fitting ice skates

-took down the old shelving from my garage

-won $10 at slots (!)

-generally...not much

I have another week off in a few weeks. We'll see how I feel by then and see if I feel the need to accomplish more

Oh It's The Pressure!

So I guess I caught myself putting too much, well, pressure on myself.  Trying to do so much, trying to force myself into this perceived place I should be at to be "happy".

I think I have to get back to just doing things that will help me focus more on me (as if I'm not selfish enough).  But really, I can't do this to myself...

*  *  *

Going for more salsa classes again.  I'm enjoying it; I just really have to practice

*  *  *

What happened to my plan of running a lot and getting fit?  Oops

Back To It?

Or more likely, just kind of...give up.  Meh.

*  *  *

Good times with my boy this weekend.  He's growing up into a typical boy, but one that I love so much.

Went to Ella's Bday party today (in swanky Forest Hill).  How do I know my child is one of the only children that doesn't watch TV/movies?  They were playing Frozen there and he was scared of the scenes that had suspense music in it.  He literally ran upstairs and told me to turn off the TV.  lol

*  *  *

Congrats to Arfeli for having baby Mika...our group of boys just keeps growing and growing.  I guess I won't be having my hair cut anytime soon...lol

Looking At The Mirror

Hard not to feel like a loser but I know I'm not.

Just trying not to get too discouraged.

Stomach is churning recently.  Yargh

123567

Looks like I committed to another round of dance class. Let's hope I actually learn something, especially since it's hard to, you know, distinguish my left side and my right side. *facepalm*

Still, I'm still having fun.  For now.

(Today was a bit tough on my ankle though.  Yargh...wolverine my a**)

Hard Not To Get Sucked Back In

As I keep trying to move forward, I realize the problem is occurring because I have a rear view mirror.

The objects, though, are at least moving further and further away.  It's just that...I can still see them.

*  *  *

Great couple days with my boy. As frustrating as it gets, it's nothing compared to the joy he brings me

*  *  *

Mushed up ankle is recovering nice and Wolverine like. I mean, sure it's all cankle-like due to the swelling and there's this nasty bruise, but considering I could barely walk yesterday and I even got X-rays it's coming along okay. 

Question is now how tentative am I going to be on it when I resume basketball and other activities?

*  *  *

Gotta do my taxes. Okay. Tomorrow. Let's see how far I get...

Gazing At My Boy

My baby just turned three yesterday...which I now consider the best day of the year.  Had a nice little get together, with the family over (including ex-in-laws).

Caught myself gazing at my boy today, dressing himself and telling me he wants to do it by himself and getting mad at me when I tried to help him.

Never felt such joy and sadness at the same time.

These are those days I never want to end.

(I'm seriously way too emotional for my own good). 

Also just watched the series finale of How I Met Your Mother...sweet story and I feel like it kind of echoes how I wanted my life to be like. My head will forever be in the clouds, I fear 

Here Comes The Approach…

…to mid-thirties!

Time flies, and I feel like I already lived a whole life. I hope the next stages of my life are equally as exciting, challenging, happy and of course, even better.

Thankful for the life I had and the people who were/are in it.

Hopefully in the future I start forgiving myself more and being less hard on myself as well

Memories Fading

Still not sure of myself or what I'm doing.

Just keep going and smiling!

*  *  *

My boy is getting much smarter now. Really loving this age, even though he is a handful at times

That Was Confusing

I'll find it. Eventually. I hope.

I can't give up.  Right?

(?)

Hey Now

Watch out now

I'll Never Forget Though

Still don't know where this life is taking me. Definitely trying to enjoy the ride along the way, especially when I think about where I was just even a month ago.  Not quite how I wanted it to go (picking myself up by myself) but I hope I'm stronger for it.

Goodbye vs. Letting Go...

Things Are Going

Hoping it lasts.

At least my mind isn't going in hyper overdrive (is moment, anyway).

What am I doing again?

That Was Awesome

Yeah, weird.

Still figuring things out though

Fun So Far

If nothing else, I'm glad that those thoughts are there and the compliments too.

*  *  *

Watch the frame! Keep elbow out in front, not really moving it too front or back 

Don't Overthink

Yet I kind of know already?

*  *  *

Was recently thinking about when I was the most happiest during that time, and also feeling sadness that it would not last and that I could not just focus in and get lost in that moment.

Such is the way I am.

Life moves forward no matter what.

One day I will get there in terms of that again. I can only hope

So How Did I Get Here?

Weird how life changes within a few weeks.

Gotta tread slowly...

Day Off, Day On

Watched like 6 episodes of Homeland. Got some housework done. Learned more about her.

Good day, I suppose.

Still a bit flustered though, of course.  Oh life, you'll never change

Well That's A Whole New Level

And fast. Woah

What Just Happened?

What the?!

Gonna keep holding my breath though. I should know better

So There Is Others Out There

Hmmmmm

*  *  *

Good times having the friends over. The first party at the house always shows what I'm missing for when it comes to entertaining.  I also gotta finish these renos already

Racing

Ummm...don't I have a race to train for? Whatever happened to that?

I really should focus and stop eating such trash.  Gotta get the head straight

Well That Was...

...interesting. Fun, I guess.  I don't know what is going to happen, but at least I can say I did it?

Maybe back to the drawing board. Too bad that drawing board is so hard to find. Lol

Always Something

Any slight happiness I gain seems to always get tempered.

I'm never going to escape the past. I know logically I can't and I don't even necessarily think I want to.

Just keep moving forward despite whatever setbacks happen.  Can't control what I can't control

Bi-Polar Much?

And now comes some of the happy/giddy feelings. Surely it's fleeting, but I'll take it for now

Uneasy

Gotta find a home I can park my anxiety in. This is getting nuts

*  *  *

Happy Family Day!  Even though my family structure is quite different now and I spend a lot of time worrying if Eamon will be able to cope with the changes (he has so far, I think), I'm lucky to have the life I have. It could always be so much worse.

Aside from my consistent and constant complaining I do on here, I just have to keep looking forward and smile as much as I can :)

That Feeling You Get...

...when you realize you can't go back and not sure where you fit anymore. Hate it but gotta accept it. Supposed to live life with no regrets, but it's me we're talking about here.

But to the future anything can happen I suppose. Just gotta keep living life and creating a new story

Better But Still The Same

Seriously.

But at least there's somewhat of a new distraction.

Okay, here's that constant reminder to myself that I gotta get up and get moving...

Porketta

Met with Lisa today and we ate some deelish fatty porketta.  Dang it was good. 

Would really love it if she would be able to work at Peel. The thought of my mentor working in the same office would be absolutely insane to me if it became reality.

Also insane? What just happened. Really?!? A surprising way to get a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a while. Go figure

Really Reaching Here

Lol.  Amazing what the attention from a stranger does for you, even if only for a few fleeting minutes.

One day perhaps (pathetically hopeful) that it will be longer than just a few moments

Tread Lightly

...

Don't lose sight

*  *  *

Actually got some painting done.  Which should have been done months ago.

Better late than never perhaps

That Was...Fun?

Havent done that in a while.  And worlds colliding nonetheless.

Now then, if only these temporary fixes could replace the permanent anxieties.  If only.

Back to my regularly scheduled worrisomes...sigh

Am I Mature Enough?

Was I ever mature?

I want to cry. I'm a mess. Why is it so difficult for me to understand or accept?

Am I built that way or will I always have this malfunction?

I will be hiding my face under my pillow

Idle Minds...

...make me go crazy.

I have to keep busy.

I have to forget.

Why am I cursed with the memories that keep me awake and make me anxious?

When will I really get over the loss?

When will it make sense?

(All I've been doing lately is complaining on this blog.  But I need an outlet. I'm spiraling. I need to right myself again. Wait, when was I ever righted?)

Wowza

http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/08/to-that-person-i-fell-in-love-with-when-the-timing-was-just-not-right/

100 Happy Days

Just read about a new challenge I can do.  Day one starts today...hope I have it in me to complete 99 more

Patience For Reconciliation

I'll find my own happiness one day.

Cherish the memories, do not wage a war on yourself with sadness or remorse.

Patience.

If anything else for your life...patience

The State

Here I am again.  Impatient.  Forcing and trying to look for the only thing in life that I truly want.

Had it, lost it because it wasn't exactly what I thought it was.

Now I'm left questioning if I ever made any right decisions about it.

I told myself I'd never settle and that I would be patient.  Why can't I change?

Where is my confidence?

When will I realize that life will never go the way you exactly want it?

When will I stop complaining and putting my life at a standstill and just...live happily?

I lost focus. I have to be happy we myself first.  Sigh.

Get up, wake up and shake it up

I Miss The Warmth

I miss the feeling of having feelings. I miss holding someone and being held.

I hate it when timing in life is not ideal. I hate looking back on life and feeling stupid about things. Most of all, I hate obsessing over those things and not being able to move forward. 

Why doesn't it make sense? Why do I feel like all my dreams were shattered? Why is it that what made sense doesn't make sense anymore?

I need to rebuild. I need to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what I thought it would be.  I need to let go of the anger and sadness.

I am lucky that I don't have those urges to kill myself, despite the fact I've given up on life right now.  I'm lucky things are afloat.

Do you know what you've done to me? Do you know what I'm doing to myself?  Do you know what I think now?  Do you even care?

Incoherent babblings that only make sense to me can be soothing. I need to sustain the catharsis 

What Point Do I Give Up The Dreams?

Question I often ask myself. More so than usual lately.

I guess I didn't realize how...messed up?...I've been. I'm still a ways a way from being where I want to be.

I'm angry and upset and sad. I know why but I can't articulate it. I know with whom (especially myself) but I'm trying to let it go.  It's tough. I feel like I betrayed myself with the dreams, thoughts, feelings and desires.  I can't sleep because lately it's all I've been thinking about.

Not everything is what it seems.  What happens when what you thought something was real but it turns out to be something you're just not sure about anymore?

But...I will not stop fighting. I have to keep at it.  I have to stop being so discouraged. I have to stop obsessing. I have to trust myself. I need to believe I will overcome. 

I have to learn to say fuck it to myself.  Fuck it.

Things happen in life for a reason. I may not like or understand that reason, but the reason is still there.

I will be who I want to be. It will get there.  I.  Will.

Is This Really Going To Happen?

It's way more nauseatingly awkward when I read it outloud.

I guess I should give it a chance though

Close Your Eyes

Surprises today.  Can't sleep.

http://youtu.be/WdbUjiR_lpU

When will this stupid guilt complex go away?

*  *  *

I wish I could forget.  How do I get out of this mindset?

Handling It Like A Chump

Knew this would happen.

Why can't I just be normal-ish?

The Day I Realized My Boy Remembers Songs On The Radio

Made me amazed.  Until I realized it was Katy Perry's "Roar".  But whatever, he's awesome.

Helped me smile today since I got all flustered.  I hate I'm not able to cope with feelings/emotions as well as I would like to.

I'm beginning to really think I need a therapist.  lol

*  *  *

Nice seeing you today

Oh Hello Glass Ankle

Sucks.  Sprained the ankle while playing ball.  It's just a little tender...like my heart.  Lol.  Gay.

I hope it's a fast recovery.  Best part about this sprained ankle, if there is one?  I still made the shot!  (Wannabe) ballah!

*   *   *

Also a hello again?  Hello again not being able to sleep.

Why am I so miserable when I have so much to be grateful for?

I carried my boy and danced with him while the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows" was playing.  I haven't been so happy.  I dread the day when he's too grown up.  Sigh.

See?  Again...why do I look at the sadness?  I have a lot in life to learn still

All In The Blink Of An Eye

http://youtu.be/QL3N-jn8MC0

I need to get going.  Time to stop standing still and even moving back...