Don't Tell Me!

So I've come to a realization, well...more of an acceptance today. For years I've been trying to convince people that I could, but for some reason or another, the opposite comes true.

Instead of trying to talk cryptically, I'll just say it: I can't keep "secrets".

Backgrounder: one of my workmates, May, who started two months ago, told me she was handing in her resignation. I was genuinely sad she was leaving, cause I got along well with her. Well, me with the blabbermouth, started telling some friends at work she was leaving. Including my Supervisor and Manager (yes, I know, dumbbard I be). Little did I know May was playing a trick, and even got the Supervisor and Manager to play along. In other words, everyone was in on it except me, and everyone was laughing how I was the only one who didn't know she really wasn't leaving.

Now, while she didn't make a big deal about me telling a lot of people, Kiran had said to me, "see? You can't keep secrets." I tried to counter with: "but I don't tell the important secrets." But after I said that, I realized that really, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place, and I felt horrible and awful.

I'm trying hard to mature and be all adult-like and all that, and I'm sure that includes being able to keep my mouth shut. But I'm one of those guys that likes being the first to "break news" (easy there CP24). The more I think about it, that fact alone makes me think I'm regressing from becoming that adult I want to be. Pretty ridiculous, really.

I've thought about this fact about myself plenty of times in the past, and everytime I kept telling myself that I can't prove to people that I can keep secrets by actually verbally telling them. Instead, I thought I would have to prove it to them by my actions, no matter how long it took (ie. months, years, etc.).

But now? Forget it...I giveup; I don't think I can keep secrets. I guess I shouldn't be offended when people don't tell me things, and I equally shouldn't be offended if I tell something to someone I don't want to be broadcast but that person tells other people.

Holy blabbering. In the end, I hope people don't tell me things they consider a secret. At this point, I don't think I want to know. My brain hurts. My mental strength is waning...sigh