What To Work On

-patience
-moving on and not dwelling on certain thoughts (one of the things you’re worst at)
-insecurities
-being genuine
-facing uncomfortable truths with strength and dignity
-loving yourself more

It's Like I Lived A Thousand Deaths Yesterday

Hopefully I'm a bit more stabilized today. 

No more melodrama...I have to keep going forward. 

That was crazy...haven't been like that in a long time. Yikes

Afraid Of What Dream May Come

First time trying to sleep in two days. 

I hope there are dreams

Eased A Bit

I’m still a bit like a zombie though and can’t entirely focus, but there’s nothing like snuggling in bed with my boy that helps

Only Thing I Can Do Is Move Forward

It’s so difficult and I don’t have the energy right this second.

It’s getting better though. Thankfully

Getting There

Just trying to believe in myself again

Lifting Ever So Slowly

I hate this

What Exactly Do You Have To Offer Her Again?

Why do you think she would be happy with you?

I hate my insecurities

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Difficult, Right?

So then why is? Why do I always make it difficult?

How will I look back on this?

When will I look back on this?

Everything Is Foggy Again

Nothing feels clear and I can’t even see one step ahead of me. 

Trying so hard not to get within my shell again and implode. 

Resisting the urge to sabotage myself. 

I have an opportunity to make things okay but I can’t stop the negative thoughts. 

I just want to avoid everyone including the person I’m not supposed to. 

I’m so embarrassed and full of shame and anxiety and I don’t know who to turn to. 

Have to put on a happy face, at least for my boy. 

Gotta get this right

Everything Surfaces

Eventually.

Always run the risk of presenting yourself wrong when people are privy to your innermost thoughts.

I need to get away from my thoughts

Must Get Up And Get Moving

I have to. At least for my son. 

I love you Chipmunk. I don't know a lot of things but I do know that

Why Would The Third Time Be Different?

Why would I think she can trust me again?

I broke her trust, her heart, her spirit. I cannot do that again, ever. But how can I be sure I won't?

I hate this

Moving Forward

How? I feel incapacitated. 

This feels worse than the past. 

Maybe I just can't take the pain anymore. 

I want to let go (of the pain) but maybe I shouldn't 

List Of Regrets

-not telling her my feelings before, including the things that scared me

-not respecting her

-not respecting myself

-thinking I could do better before

-focusing on stupid negative reasons

-listening and letting others influence me when I should've spoke and trusted myself

Am I Scared?

Terrified. I can't even put into words what it is I'm so terrified about. 

What if I DO end up breaking her heart again? What if I was wrong in all of this?

What can I do to make my mind more at ease? I don't think anything. I think time. 

Hearts are constantly changed and scars never heal. 

She shut her heart to me, rightfully so, and I saw it in her eyes today. 

I am trying so hard not to put up walls. Stay in the vulnerability of such an exposed heart and feelings. 

I have to shut out what I think other people will think and concentrate on my own thoughts. 

I have to face harsh truths

Can't Erase The Past

Especially if it's not my own past. 

How am I ever going to mature if I can't stop fixating on something I can't control? Is it me sabotaging again? Defense mechanism?

What the fuck?

The thought comes and goes. I just want it to go

Numb

A lot of regrets. 

Must pick up and go forward. Don't need to know where you're going as long as you're going forward. 

Had her in my arms all night and still searching for answers. 

Do I turn to God again? Really?

How do I stop from being a...suck?

Could It Ever Have Been Different In The Past?

Did I really have to do what I did?

Did I really, really need that time alone?

Did I really have to let love go (twice) hoping it would come back?

All signs point to yes. I can't be that stupid back then. Am I stupid right now? Yes maybe but no

My Heart Is In Shambles Too

I can't stand to face some truths. 

I need to process everything and be able to not be incapacitated. 

I need to believe in something again. 

I can't even begin to pretend I know what love is. 

Am I trying to go back?  Or am I just trying to go forward without success?