Friday, November 17, 2017

List Of Togetherness

I could get used to this.

Still a ways to go though...how things change over time

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Everything Happens For A Reason

...even if you don't know what that reason is. 

I believe it, I think I always have.

I also think I'll become more secure again as time goes on. Or insecure. I guess it depends. /*earth shattering revelation here*

"We're Gonna Take It Slow"

/wide eyes emoji. 

Whatever, I love my weirdo

Monday, November 13, 2017

So I'm Gaga

Dammit

Okay. So I Was Wrong.

She's my Little Rock.  I love her and I'm a stupid idiot. The end. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

20 Episodes Of Shameless

I tried to keep busy and keep my mind off of things this past weekend. I watched 20 one-hour episodes of Shaneless.

Ironic...because now I feel shameful. Sigh

My Feet Are So Cold And Sweaty

Fuck.

Because The Fact Of The Matter Is...

She isn't yours and prolly never will be again. You lost one of the best things to ever happen to you and you just have to deal with it. And not only that, you've done jackshit so far to think you're even close...idiot

Alright, Enough Of This

Getting my confidence back (may be short lived, but still).

I'm not the only one with a lot to lose here.

Gotta keep my head up

I Wonder...

...if she thought about me the same I've been thinking of her this whole time. Maybe that's what I'm really insecure about. 

I guess that's the problem with going all-in and putting all the eggs in one basket. I'm a wreck

Trying To Find Myself Again

Maybe this time apart is a good thing? Forcing me to find myself again. Unfortunately it's someone I don't particularly like right now. Uh-oh

If I Can't Handle All This...

...self-inflicted adversity, what makes me think I can handle any others?

Being alone with my thoughts sucks the life out of me. How did I get here again? Oh right

Must Move On

Gotta stop thinking about the past. Gotta trust myself. Gotta stop complaining. Gotta get out of this funk.

Gotta man up and stop regressing. I'm not the same person I was; I gotta get out of this mindset.

How can I offer anything to anyone if I don't get myself right first?

I hope I'm the only one reading my blog by now and that others have forgotten it. 

This is the most I've posted in a while (clearly)...maybe I should just cool it for a while. Sigh

Saturday, November 11, 2017

And Now The Inevitable Part Where I Ask Myself...

...what if I just never said anything at all? Would I be in this tailspin right now?

I just can't see past anything right now. Wish I was blind. Wait...I am.

I feel walls starting to form again. This can't be good

I Think The Problem Is Obsessive Behaviour

When my mind is something there at times is absolutely nothing that can divert my attention from it, especially if it's a bad or paranoid thought. Keeping busy works sometimes, sometimes not. 

Is it over yet?  Dear gawd just release me from this. 

Drama

Why Is It So Hard To Regulate My Feelings?

I thought I was getting better at this?

Fuck this shit

Sitting Here Feeling Like A Fool

Now it's my time to feel foolish.  Did I really think it would be this easy?  Do I share with her what I really feel, or is this one of those things I take with me to the grave? 

Why am I so fucking dramatic? Fuck it I don't care I'm being me and it's so difficult sometimes

This Is Why I Don't Share Feelings

It leaves me vulnerable and exposed and a sucky baby.  Hard to control the worms when the can of has been opened.

Fack. 

Maybe I really am mildly bipolar...when it's high it's high when it's low it's really low. Nothing I can do but complain on here I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break down and admit things yet again impacting her and then spiraling again to the same same. I'm supposed to be stronger than this by now.  Dammit. 

Smoking didn't help either...maybe even made things worse as thoughts and feelings intensified. Sigh

Friday, November 10, 2017

Like, 16 Again?

So...jealousy? Really?  Thinking worse case scenario?  Sandgerness?

So...This Is Kinda Tough

Especially when you have a day off. Kept myself busy doing chores and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like a little bit of a loser. Can't even explain why exactly...maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm not feeling so secure and that pasts are not always that easy to...get over. Not to mention the fact I feel so...exposed.  Hate this again. 

I got a reassurance but I still have a pit in my stomach. Maybe I just don't think it's true and I really feel like I'm gonna get my comeuppance as again, I still feel I deserve worse than what's been given to me. And I can't complain about it (at least outloud and I'm hoping this isn't read as some people are now aware of this blog) nor expect anyone to do anything about this as its my own problem.

Wish I could just get out of my own head sometimes. 

I'll try to dance it away but...sigh

"Did You Forget? This Is What You Get"

Oh right. Seems to have escaped my mind (how convenient) that I'm still in debt here. 

A whole lotta deserved feelings still required. 

Remember that karma thing?

I hope I come out of this process not so jaded or skewed. Meh

Gonna Take Some Time

There isn't a prescribed set of days/weeks/months...but I imagine it will take quite some time for these thoughts to subside. And then of course a problem arises when I have too much time on my hands. Of course. 

I think that everything points to the fact that I think I'm special.  Or rather...that I want to be special but don't have that feeling. Well at least maybe not yet. Hopefully one of two things happen: I do get that feeling...or I am successful at just letting those wants go completely. I don't know.

Gotta keep busy

Now Where Was I

Lots of (good) things have been happening the past few days. 

So of course I'm starting to get (physically) sick.  And when that happens, I start to get (mentally, emotionally) sick. Or at least I start to have negative thoughts again. Because of course. 

I should focus and try not to get riled up too much the next few days. Play it cool man!

Remember...there is still a lot of work to be done before I can be trusted again.  In the meantime, I have to trust others. Have to.

I should keep busy and revert back to content by myself mode. Although the weather is making it a bit difficult for me to get my Christmas lights up and my contractor is taking his time with the estimate and...okay I better just do laundry

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Clone Talk

I mean, others (as in the rest of the world) may think talks of clones and things they can do would be weird, but apparently it’s normal for others (as in two people, myself included).

Heart is overloaded right now...whoa whoa hold on