Still a ways to go though...how things change over time
Friday, November 17, 2017
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Monday, November 13, 2017
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Gotta stop thinking about the past. Gotta trust myself. Gotta stop complaining. Gotta get out of this funk.
Gotta man up and stop regressing. I'm not the same person I was; I gotta get out of this mindset.
How can I offer anything to anyone if I don't get myself right first?
I hope I'm the only one reading my blog by now and that others have forgotten it.
This is the most I've posted in a while (clearly)...maybe I should just cool it for a while. Sigh
Saturday, November 11, 2017
When my mind is something there at times is absolutely nothing that can divert my attention from it, especially if it's a bad or paranoid thought. Keeping busy works sometimes, sometimes not.
Is it over yet? Dear gawd just release me from this.
Now it's my time to feel foolish. Did I really think it would be this easy? Do I share with her what I really feel, or is this one of those things I take with me to the grave?
Why am I so fucking dramatic? Fuck it I don't care I'm being me and it's so difficult sometimes
It leaves me vulnerable and exposed and a sucky baby. Hard to control the worms when the can of has been opened.
Maybe I really am mildly bipolar...when it's high it's high when it's low it's really low. Nothing I can do but complain on here I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break down and admit things yet again impacting her and then spiraling again to the same same. I'm supposed to be stronger than this by now. Dammit.
Smoking didn't help either...maybe even made things worse as thoughts and feelings intensified. Sigh
Friday, November 10, 2017
Especially when you have a day off. Kept myself busy doing chores and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like a little bit of a loser. Can't even explain why exactly...maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm not feeling so secure and that pasts are not always that easy to...get over. Not to mention the fact I feel so...exposed. Hate this again.
I got a reassurance but I still have a pit in my stomach. Maybe I just don't think it's true and I really feel like I'm gonna get my comeuppance as again, I still feel I deserve worse than what's been given to me. And I can't complain about it (at least outloud and I'm hoping this isn't read as some people are now aware of this blog) nor expect anyone to do anything about this as its my own problem.
Wish I could just get out of my own head sometimes.
I'll try to dance it away but...sigh
There isn't a prescribed set of days/weeks/months...but I imagine it will take quite some time for these thoughts to subside. And then of course a problem arises when I have too much time on my hands. Of course.
I think that everything points to the fact that I think I'm special. Or rather...that I want to be special but don't have that feeling. Well at least maybe not yet. Hopefully one of two things happen: I do get that feeling...or I am successful at just letting those wants go completely. I don't know.
Gotta keep busy
Lots of (good) things have been happening the past few days.
So of course I'm starting to get (physically) sick. And when that happens, I start to get (mentally, emotionally) sick. Or at least I start to have negative thoughts again. Because of course.
I should focus and try not to get riled up too much the next few days. Play it cool man!
Remember...there is still a lot of work to be done before I can be trusted again. In the meantime, I have to trust others. Have to.
I should keep busy and revert back to content by myself mode. Although the weather is making it a bit difficult for me to get my Christmas lights up and my contractor is taking his time with the estimate and...okay I better just do laundry