Monday, October 30, 2017

The Day After....

...always the day after. 

I feel like an asshole and I don't deserve someone like her. There's nothing I can do but sit here and take it and contemplate the future (again). 

Also, can I say that being on online dating websites really does a number on your ego when you're really, really not successful at it? Lol. 

Maybe I have to accept the fact that I'm just different and not really how I picture myself to be (obviously). What do I do next?

Sunday, October 29, 2017

When It Feels Right

But also confusing. Whole glut of emotions.

Wasn't I supposed to leave her alone?

Do I know what can of worms I've opened again?

It's okay...supposed to love like it's your last day, no matter how embarrassed you get or feel.

Whatever happens, I've got to stop being afraid of myself and making up these excuses

Lying Around Doing Nothing

Literally. 

Is it good for mental health? I mean...sure?

Saturday, October 21, 2017

Now One Too Many?

Really, now?

*  *  *

Fun times in Chicago with the fam and Eamon is enjoying himself. If only he could shake off his cough!

Friday, October 20, 2017

Slipping Right Back Into The Conversation

Well that didn't take long. We're right back to our conversations as if nothing has changed. Yikes

*  *  *

Off to the Windy City with the boy and brothers!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Haven't You Done Enough To Her?!?

So that was the prevailing thought I had today. 

Seriously now, after all I've put her through (twice), why in the hell would I think she could ever trust me again?

And why exactly do I think I can actually maintain a relationship with...anyone? I'm not exactly the most easiest person to live with.  Not that I want to get back with her. I think. Fuck I don't know anything. 

I recall seeing a meme somewhere on Facebook a few weeks ago stating (paraphrasing here): "If you see a shining woman, stand back and leave her alone and just appreciate her."  Clearly this is what I should most reasonably do.  Gawd why can't I just be reasonable?

I wouldn't ever blame her if she ever decided not to talk to me again. I think I have to keep this in mind EVERY SINGLE MOMENT and just start to get over it and truly let go. 

Blah. 

Again. 

*  *  *

On a more random and amusing note, I had a good convo with my BUFF this morning and for some reason she started talking about psychedelic drug usage and her desire to maybe wanting to try it. It was so random that it makes me appreciate her even more. I hope this has nothing to do with Our place of employment screwing her over yet again (and again and again times 7), but I don't think it does

Is It Any Better?

From the jitters and anxiety I have, maybe not as much. But I have to power through, especially after giving a speech to Tools with what's going through her life.

Serenity now

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Let's Revisit The Overdramatic Past Few Days

A bit better of a headspace now, thankfully. Funny how that works. 

Had a chat, still don't know what the future holds between us two, but it's nice to at least talk a few things out. And hug it out at least. 

Happy bday chipmunk; you'll end up most likely meaning more to me than you'll ever know (and I'll ever admit for whatever reason)

When It Hits Hard

It hits hard.

Gotta get my head out of this cloud.

Let's Try To Organize These Thoughts Again, Shall We

Funny how I'm not above it...that stereotype that males only realize what they lose well after its gone. Even worse is how hard it's hitting me. 

I mean, I've been here before, haven't I? Well...yes. But different. As always. 

It's interesting what gets revealed to yourself, or at least the truths you face when you're all frazzled. For example, I was thinking while I was out dancing that something so rare, something I thought I really wanted (and still do) occurs but of course I push it away. The outright love and acceptance from a woman for whom I am and how I conduct my life...and I pushed it away. 

It's rare!  I don't have a lot of people knocking on my door! (Cue sob story of "I can't find anyone who understands me!")

Am I really back to those feelings of not wanting to be alone? What's wrong with being alone anyway? Jeez...I was at a place in my life where I was okay (at least I think I thought I was okay. Or rather, at a different point in my life.). And now I'm fretting about how long it's going to take me to reset again to get back to that point. Or is it myself fighting the fact that I don't want to be back at that point?

What happened to the whole noble thoughts of letting go and living and remembering fond memories and life's lessons and reasons that people come in and out of your life? Is it all bullshit?

Maybe...I'm just back to a point where I don't love myself enough. I feel too much guilt about hurting someone that gave so much of themselves to me and I deem it as something I don't want. And now that door is shut forever. But it's what you decided!

Is there something wrong with me? (Yes, but that's okay. It's life.)

It almost makes me just want to quit it all (the whole finding a relationship thing, not life.). But maybe that's what I need to do! Stop dreaming and hoping and start living differently. 

Surely when I wake up my thoughts and feelings will be different yet again. 

Maybe it is too difficult seeing my (not yours anymore, get real) chipmunk

Saturday, October 14, 2017

And Yet Again...

...I should never be left alone with my own thoughts. Smh. 

This whole adhd thing I self-diagnosed myself as an adult can't be good for anyone. Especially me!

10 Years Ago...

...a lifetime ago. Is it silly to still mourn something that happened so long ago? I don't think so. I would like to think its not regret, but rather just memories and experiences that helped me be who I am today. 

Do I like who I am today though?

Most days. I've been consciously trying to like myself more, despite my doubts, insecurities and sadness.

I try to look forward to the future but some days I'm stuck in the past. 

It's not only the failed marriage...I mean, I'd like to think we're in a good place, but alas nothing stays forever. 

Case in point? My inability to fully get over the latest major thing in my life. 

Funny, I asked her, so cocky and confidently a few weeks ago if things were going to be awkward between us. Today, I was the awkward one. Gawd damn, how old am I? But does that matter? I feel what I feel and I act how I act. 

I stay hopeful that one day the answers will be clearer (not totally clear; can't be naive about that).  In the meantime, I better do something with myself to stay busy.

Rambling idiot. But I forgive myself. Right?

I'm thankful for the anchors in my life

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Took Me A Few Days...

...then I realized it. I miss her and her friendship. 

It's hard rationalizing things sometimes, but I don't think I am here per se. I mean, I don't see a romantic future but I miss the company and the laughs and...her presence. Her friendship. 

I've always said "well if you cross that boundary and are scared the friendship might go away, maybe the friendship wasn't that strong to begin with. Plus you can always find new friends."  Well that's...rather callous but life goes on blah blah rationalize. 

I'm trying hard to just look at the memories I had with the chipmunk with fondness and to let go, which I am starting to (been here before, but that doesn't mean it gets easier). Cold turkey isn't always palatable; frozen turkey you're bound to break a tooth or two.

But I do miss her. 

Meh.

Time to focus on other things again

Sunday, October 08, 2017

Gut Check Time

Remember the decisions you make are the ones that are supposed to be good for your life...don't lose the confidence and don't lose hope!

Speaking of gut checks, I really should check mine...gotta get into a better lifestyle