Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I Miss The Warmth

I miss the feeling of having feelings. I miss holding someone and being held.

I hate it when timing in life is not ideal. I hate looking back on life and feeling stupid about things. Most of all, I hate obsessing over those things and not being able to move forward. 

Why doesn't it make sense? Why do I feel like all my dreams were shattered? Why is it that what made sense doesn't make sense anymore?

I need to rebuild. I need to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what I thought it would be.  I need to let go of the anger and sadness.

I am lucky that I don't have those urges to kill myself, despite the fact I've given up on life right now.  I'm lucky things are afloat.

Do you know what you've done to me? Do you know what I'm doing to myself?  Do you know what I think now?  Do you even care?

Incoherent babblings that only make sense to me can be soothing. I need to sustain the catharsis 

Monday, January 27, 2014

What Point Do I Give Up The Dreams?

Question I often ask myself. More so than usual lately.

I guess I didn't realize how...messed up?...I've been. I'm still a ways a way from being where I want to be.

I'm angry and upset and sad. I know why but I can't articulate it. I know with whom (especially myself) but I'm trying to let it go.  It's tough. I feel like I betrayed myself with the dreams, thoughts, feelings and desires.  I can't sleep because lately it's all I've been thinking about.

Not everything is what it seems.  What happens when what you thought something was real but it turns out to be something you're just not sure about anymore?

But...I will not stop fighting. I have to keep at it.  I have to stop being so discouraged. I have to stop obsessing. I have to trust myself. I need to believe I will overcome. 

I have to learn to say fuck it to myself.  Fuck it.

Things happen in life for a reason. I may not like or understand that reason, but the reason is still there.

I will be who I want to be. It will get there.  I.  Will.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Is This Really Going To Happen?

It's way more nauseatingly awkward when I read it outloud.

I guess I should give it a chance though

Friday, January 17, 2014

Close Your Eyes

Surprises today.  Can't sleep.


When will this stupid guilt complex go away?

*  *  *

I wish I could forget.  How do I get out of this mindset?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Handling It Like A Chump

Knew this would happen.

Why can't I just be normal-ish?

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Day I Realized My Boy Remembers Songs On The Radio

Made me amazed.  Until I realized it was Katy Perry's "Roar".  But whatever, he's awesome.

Helped me smile today since I got all flustered.  I hate I'm not able to cope with feelings/emotions as well as I would like to.

I'm beginning to really think I need a therapist.  lol

*  *  *

Nice seeing you today

Monday, January 13, 2014

Oh Hello Glass Ankle

Sucks.  Sprained the ankle while playing ball.  It's just a little tender...like my heart.  Lol.  Gay.

I hope it's a fast recovery.  Best part about this sprained ankle, if there is one?  I still made the shot!  (Wannabe) ballah!

*   *   *

Also a hello again?  Hello again not being able to sleep.

Why am I so miserable when I have so much to be grateful for?

I carried my boy and danced with him while the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows" was playing.  I haven't been so happy.  I dread the day when he's too grown up.  Sigh.

See?  Again...why do I look at the sadness?  I have a lot in life to learn still

Thursday, January 09, 2014

All In The Blink Of An Eye


I need to get going.  Time to stop standing still and even moving back...