Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Literally

So my boy uses the word "literally" now. Literally...wtf?

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Google Homed

Another step towards having absolutely no privacy ever!

The future is now, the end is near, enjoy as much as you can, so I hear

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Monday’s Great Date Night

Taco Bell, Kingsmen, Reconnecting.

My heart is full, my stomach is polluted.

Haa. Love my Chipmunk

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Nothing Butter

Than garlic butter face

*  *  *

My heart, pride and feelings still irrationally and frustratingly hurt by very little triggers and it’s not fair to others. I gotta shake it off and see what’s in front of my face now and the future...still though*

(*unfortunately it feels like there will always be a “still though”. Self-sabotage? No just me being a headass)

Friday, November 17, 2017

List Of Togetherness

I could get used to this.

Still a ways to go though...how things change over time

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Everything Happens For A Reason

...even if you don't know what that reason is. 

I believe it, I think I always have.

I also think I'll become more secure again as time goes on. Or insecure. I guess it depends. /*earth shattering revelation here*

"We're Gonna Take It Slow"

/wide eyes emoji. 

Whatever, I love my weirdo

Monday, November 13, 2017

So I'm Gaga

Dammit

Okay. So I Was Wrong.

She's my Little Rock.  I love her and I'm a stupid idiot. The end. 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

20 Episodes Of Shameless

I tried to keep busy and keep my mind off of things this past weekend. I watched 20 one-hour episodes of Shaneless.

Ironic...because now I feel shameful. Sigh

My Feet Are So Cold And Sweaty

Fuck.

Because The Fact Of The Matter Is...

She isn't yours and prolly never will be again. You lost one of the best things to ever happen to you and you just have to deal with it. And not only that, you've done jackshit so far to think you're even close...idiot

Alright, Enough Of This

Getting my confidence back (may be short lived, but still).

I'm not the only one with a lot to lose here.

Gotta keep my head up

I Wonder...

...if she thought about me the same I've been thinking of her this whole time. Maybe that's what I'm really insecure about. 

I guess that's the problem with going all-in and putting all the eggs in one basket. I'm a wreck

Trying To Find Myself Again

Maybe this time apart is a good thing? Forcing me to find myself again. Unfortunately it's someone I don't particularly like right now. Uh-oh

If I Can't Handle All This...

...self-inflicted adversity, what makes me think I can handle any others?

Being alone with my thoughts sucks the life out of me. How did I get here again? Oh right

Must Move On

Gotta stop thinking about the past. Gotta trust myself. Gotta stop complaining. Gotta get out of this funk.

Gotta man up and stop regressing. I'm not the same person I was; I gotta get out of this mindset.

How can I offer anything to anyone if I don't get myself right first?

I hope I'm the only one reading my blog by now and that others have forgotten it. 

This is the most I've posted in a while (clearly)...maybe I should just cool it for a while. Sigh

Saturday, November 11, 2017

And Now The Inevitable Part Where I Ask Myself...

...what if I just never said anything at all? Would I be in this tailspin right now?

I just can't see past anything right now. Wish I was blind. Wait...I am.

I feel walls starting to form again. This can't be good

I Think The Problem Is Obsessive Behaviour

When my mind is something there at times is absolutely nothing that can divert my attention from it, especially if it's a bad or paranoid thought. Keeping busy works sometimes, sometimes not. 

Is it over yet?  Dear gawd just release me from this. 

Drama

Why Is It So Hard To Regulate My Feelings?

I thought I was getting better at this?

Fuck this shit

Sitting Here Feeling Like A Fool

Now it's my time to feel foolish.  Did I really think it would be this easy?  Do I share with her what I really feel, or is this one of those things I take with me to the grave? 

Why am I so fucking dramatic? Fuck it I don't care I'm being me and it's so difficult sometimes

This Is Why I Don't Share Feelings

It leaves me vulnerable and exposed and a sucky baby.  Hard to control the worms when the can of has been opened.

Fack. 

Maybe I really am mildly bipolar...when it's high it's high when it's low it's really low. Nothing I can do but complain on here I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break down and admit things yet again impacting her and then spiraling again to the same same. I'm supposed to be stronger than this by now.  Dammit. 

Smoking didn't help either...maybe even made things worse as thoughts and feelings intensified. Sigh

Friday, November 10, 2017

Like, 16 Again?

So...jealousy? Really?  Thinking worse case scenario?  Sandgerness?

So...This Is Kinda Tough

Especially when you have a day off. Kept myself busy doing chores and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like a little bit of a loser. Can't even explain why exactly...maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm not feeling so secure and that pasts are not always that easy to...get over. Not to mention the fact I feel so...exposed.  Hate this again. 

I got a reassurance but I still have a pit in my stomach. Maybe I just don't think it's true and I really feel like I'm gonna get my comeuppance as again, I still feel I deserve worse than what's been given to me. And I can't complain about it (at least outloud and I'm hoping this isn't read as some people are now aware of this blog) nor expect anyone to do anything about this as its my own problem.

Wish I could just get out of my own head sometimes. 

I'll try to dance it away but...sigh

"Did You Forget? This Is What You Get"

Oh right. Seems to have escaped my mind (how convenient) that I'm still in debt here. 

A whole lotta deserved feelings still required. 

Remember that karma thing?

I hope I come out of this process not so jaded or skewed. Meh

Gonna Take Some Time

There isn't a prescribed set of days/weeks/months...but I imagine it will take quite some time for these thoughts to subside. And then of course a problem arises when I have too much time on my hands. Of course. 

I think that everything points to the fact that I think I'm special.  Or rather...that I want to be special but don't have that feeling. Well at least maybe not yet. Hopefully one of two things happen: I do get that feeling...or I am successful at just letting those wants go completely. I don't know.

Gotta keep busy

Now Where Was I

Lots of (good) things have been happening the past few days. 

So of course I'm starting to get (physically) sick.  And when that happens, I start to get (mentally, emotionally) sick. Or at least I start to have negative thoughts again. Because of course. 

I should focus and try not to get riled up too much the next few days. Play it cool man!

Remember...there is still a lot of work to be done before I can be trusted again.  In the meantime, I have to trust others. Have to.

I should keep busy and revert back to content by myself mode. Although the weather is making it a bit difficult for me to get my Christmas lights up and my contractor is taking his time with the estimate and...okay I better just do laundry

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Clone Talk

I mean, others (as in the rest of the world) may think talks of clones and things they can do would be weird, but apparently it’s normal for others (as in two people, myself included).

Heart is overloaded right now...whoa whoa hold on

Tuesday, November 07, 2017

My Heart Is Full Right Now

But let's not get ahead of ourselves please 

So Yeah. I Really, Really Didn't Deserve Any Of That

But wow...I'm still kind of holding my breath but in the meantime...wow 

Monday, November 06, 2017

Oh Crap Not Again

The thoughts came back.  Of course they did. 

Maybe I should just return to a fatalistic point of view? Maybe my insecurities are eating me up again. Maybe this is what it feels like when you put your trust into someone and are still unsure why that someone should trust you due to stuff that happened in the past. 

There really is never going back (to the way things once were), and I'm mourning that lost still (which I recognize I really need to get over, but it takes a lot of time especially with me).

All there is now is to a different future...which maybe has me freaked out a bit because I can't control it. But isn't that it though? Am I really that much of a control freak that if I can't predict the future with much certainty that I break down?

This is what I mean when I say I have to let go and let things come as they may. Haven't I learned these lessons before in my life? I think yes, but whenever emotions are raw and new and/or renewed...I become like this.

Dammit

Sunday, November 05, 2017

Much Better Now Thanks

Some time and a viewpoint change helps I guess. 

Sometimes I can't wait for the sweet release from life though...maybe then it will all calm down and make sense. Not that I'm suicidal or anything.

Still waiting for anxiety to subside a bit though

Through The Hurricanes

Maybe...maybe it is true. You really have to go through a lot of storms and through all the badness before you really realize and appreciate the goodness in life.

So much of it is self-inflicted and the guilt and pain you feel when you drag someone else through it is also distressing, but you have to trust that the other person knows what they’re doing as well.

I think I have found my partner, the one I want to be in a team with. There is always a risk it won’t work but that’s just like anything in life. I’ll try to keep these thoughts at the way back of my mind but in the mean time...I have to move forward

What To Work On

-patience
-moving on and not dwelling on certain thoughts (one of the things you’re worst at)
-insecurities
-being genuine
-facing uncomfortable truths with strength and dignity
-loving yourself more

It's Like I Lived A Thousand Deaths Yesterday

Hopefully I'm a bit more stabilized today. 

No more melodrama...I have to keep going forward. 

That was crazy...haven't been like that in a long time. Yikes

Saturday, November 04, 2017

Afraid Of What Dream May Come

First time trying to sleep in two days. 

I hope there are dreams

Eased A Bit

I’m still a bit like a zombie though and can’t entirely focus, but there’s nothing like snuggling in bed with my boy that helps

Only Thing I Can Do Is Move Forward

It’s so difficult and I don’t have the energy right this second.

It’s getting better though. Thankfully

Getting There

Just trying to believe in myself again

Lifting Ever So Slowly

I hate this

What Exactly Do You Have To Offer Her Again?

Why do you think she would be happy with you?

I hate my insecurities

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Difficult, Right?

So then why is? Why do I always make it difficult?

How will I look back on this?

When will I look back on this?

Everything Is Foggy Again

Nothing feels clear and I can’t even see one step ahead of me. 

Trying so hard not to get within my shell again and implode. 

Resisting the urge to sabotage myself. 

I have an opportunity to make things okay but I can’t stop the negative thoughts. 

I just want to avoid everyone including the person I’m not supposed to. 

I’m so embarrassed and full of shame and anxiety and I don’t know who to turn to. 

Have to put on a happy face, at least for my boy. 

Gotta get this right

Everything Surfaces

Eventually.

Always run the risk of presenting yourself wrong when people are privy to your innermost thoughts.

I need to get away from my thoughts

Must Get Up And Get Moving

I have to. At least for my son. 

I love you Chipmunk. I don't know a lot of things but I do know that

Why Would The Third Time Be Different?

Why would I think she can trust me again?

I broke her trust, her heart, her spirit. I cannot do that again, ever. But how can I be sure I won't?

I hate this

Moving Forward

How? I feel incapacitated. 

This feels worse than the past. 

Maybe I just can't take the pain anymore. 

I want to let go (of the pain) but maybe I shouldn't 

List Of Regrets

-not telling her my feelings before, including the things that scared me
-not respecting her
-not respecting myself
-thinking I could do better before
-focusing on stupid negative reasons
-listening and letting others influence me when I should've spoke and trusted myself

Am I Scared?

Terrified. I can't even put into words what it is I'm so terrified about. 

What if I DO end up breaking her heart again? What if I was wrong in all of this?

What can I do to make my mind more at ease? I don't think anything. I think time. 

Hearts are constantly changed and scars never heal. 

She shut her heart to me, rightfully so, and I saw it in her eyes today. 

I am trying so hard not to put up walls. Stay in the vulnerability of such an exposed heart and feelings. 

I have to shut out what I think other people will think and concentrate on my own thoughts. 

I have to face harsh truths

Can't Erase The Past

Especially if it's not my own past. 

How am I ever going to mature if I can't stop fixating on something I can't control? Is it me sabotaging again? Defense mechanism?

What the fuck?

The thought comes and goes. I just want it to go

Numb

A lot of regrets. 

Must pick up and go forward. Don't need to know where you're going as long as you're going forward. 

Had her in my arms all night and still searching for answers. 

Do I turn to God again? Really?

How do I stop from being a...suck?

Could It Ever Have Been Different In The Past?

Did I really have to do what I did?

Did I really, really need that time alone?

Did I really have to let love go (twice) hoping it would come back?

All signs point to yes. I can't be that stupid back then. Am I stupid right now? Yes maybe but no

My Heart Is In Shambles Too

I can't stand to face some truths. 

I need to process everything and be able to not be incapacitated. 

I need to believe in something again. 

I can't even begin to pretend I know what love is. 

Am I trying to go back?  Or am I just trying to go forward without success?

I Just Want To Be With You

And love you and hold you and be happy with you. But how?

Betrayed by my own thoughts. 

When you can't ever do anything but screw up. 

My heart is not in it. Where is my heart anyway? Do I even have one?

I Cant Ever Get Back What I Lost

I can't even fucking cry. I feel like a robot. 

How can I offer her anything?

How can I offer myself anything?

I have to fight myself. I can't do this. I can. I don't want to. I do.

When does it get better? Haven't I been through this before?

I wish I could stop wishing. 

This is the pain you deserve you stupid motherfucker. 

Fuck. 

Stop pushing her away


How To Process

How to deal. 

I fucked up. 

And now I can't get mental images out of my head. 

I do not deserve her. 

What am I doing. 

Why am I incapacitated. 

Why

Thursday, November 02, 2017

Rage Out Much?

Can't get those thoughts out if your mind?

Yeah, don't forget, you deserve that.

I really hope I don't spiral out. I don't think I will but I've been feeling pretty incapacitated lately. Argh

Wednesday, November 01, 2017

When You Regret

Can't lead to any good, right?

Worse is when you picture other things in your mind and it's nobody but your own damn fault.

I hope I could learn a lesson through all this. 

I hope I can forget. And really forgive myself

So Now You Really Said What You Said

I hope it was worth it. 

Selfishly (wtf am I putting her through again), it does lift a weight off my chest a bit. 

Maybe I should've kept that shit inside.  Meh

*  *  *

Excuse all the melodrama lately on this blog...its just helping me clear my mind a bit