...Or I just have to suck it up because I only have two more days to go. But whateves, this sh*t really pulls at my heart strings
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Well that is one way to make you feel like a bad father. I'm day 5 of this 7 day oncall shift, so Eamon hasn't been sleeping at my place and it would appear he wants nothing more than to. I feel bad having to tell him "when you get older, son, you'll see that sometimes you have to work hard so you make money so you can pay for things". But damn if this isn't going to be one of those moments I regret not spending more time with my rapidly growing baby.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Friday, November 21, 2014
Debatable, that title.
Anywho, my boy is going with his mom and his grandparents to Florida for a week. What am I going to do? Feeling like I'm already missing him. Luckily I'm oncall for the majority of the week to keep me occupied (hopefully not that occupied). I also have all these projects I'm yet to finish...errrr...
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Great past week...did the half marathon in 2:10 and survived despite having some cramping knees and arm (?). Did a 5k run this morning with the workmates and the boy where we dressed up as superheroes. Immense feeling of pride as the progeny won for best costume and he posed and hammer it up for the crowd and cameras, and my team also won for best costumes. And to cap it off, I ran 24:59, the best 5k race I ever did (and pushing Eamon's stroller to boot). Things are good!
Friday, October 17, 2014
It was a great past couple of days...quality time with the love of my life (my boy), my bowling tournament seemed to have gone well, and I'm getting the hang of this salsa thing. I took the MiWay and TTC today to pick up my race kit, enjoyed traversing Toronto like a newcomer, and all this despite getting rear ended a few days ago (cars get fixed, luckily no one was hurt).
Now all I have to do is survive this half marathon on Sunday...lol.
But...things are good! I've come a long way, but still have a longer way to go...
Pedorthist Jools asked me randomly if I still blog. I mean, I do, sort of. But ever since life has changed for me (marriage ending), the desire hasn't really been there.
I've always been one for history and sentimentality (I've been doing this for more than ten years now?), but I guess I've just become a more...different person. I won't say jaded (life is good, I really can't complain). Maybe just a bit more...private? Introspective? Maybe I'm looking to change the person I am, which includes letting go of much of the past?
I dunno. I doubt anyone even reads this anymore, including myself at times.
But the original intent is still there: to see what I was up to at a point in time in my life; a place to hone my (erratic) writing skills; somewhere to develop my humour/thoughts by writing it out; a place to be dramatic and cryptic; and a place to allow some people into my life that I wouldn't actually share otherwise. I hope it evolves to something better for me
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Tomorrow I wrap up my three year commitment at the WNV program. A lot happened in the three years both professionally and personally, and I am actually quite grateful for the time I had there.
I won't miss the traffic driving back home, but I sure as heck will miss everything else. But of course, all good things...
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Monday, August 04, 2014
Saturday, August 02, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Monday, July 14, 2014
Gawd dang aren't I a health inspector? What happened there? Lol.
(Oh right, Kim fook yuen and standard sweets Indian buffet happened.)
Hope I get better for my one planned vacation this year to the Ottawa River and rafting and Montreal. Also I'm oncall...really hope I don't get called tonight.
Tuesday, July 01, 2014
Always one of my favourite days of the year. I'm always feeling grateful and lucky to live here. It's easy for me to complain whenever something minor doesn't go my way, but I always try to never lose sight of he fact that this is home for me.
With that said, hooray for double-time overtime work! Sweltering in the sun and humidity working at Brampton's Canada Day celebration (along with mosquito trap pickup in the morning), and kind of tired from last nights excursion with thekambals and Pete and Ron, but the extra money I'm making makes it all worth it.
Also, having not seen my son since last Friday (Sharon took him to Ottawa to see Debbie), I'm quite excited to see my little terror tomorrow...just gotta finish these chores here somehow
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
As I grow older I start to realize that the household I grew up in as a child is not the same one I want for my child. Yeah, there was love and caring and all of that, but there are certain aspects I've realized that I shouldn't transfer over to me being a parent.
For one, I vow to grow up listening to my child, reasoning with what he says, and if I truly feel like I'm in the wrong, I wouldn't hesitate to apologize. I certainly wouldn't ask him, angrily and with raised voice "who the f*ck do you think you are?" And then request for him not to come over with his child anymore. In front of his child. And he's an adult himself.
And I sure as hell would respect the way he feeds and raises his child, unless it was outrageously unhealthy for the child.
I know I can't shelter him from all the unpleasanties of the world and that this is one of those moments he grows and realizes that the world can be fucked up sometimes, but it still sucks when he considers himself the reason for his Lolo and Daddy arguing.
I'm grateful for the life I've lived, sure, but to be real there are always going to be resentments that I'll hold. Easier said than done, of course.
I'm also going to remember this line ArJ said: "you don't demand respect; you earn respect"
Any day now they will no longer be here. I'm not wishing for it to happen, but I just know it and a sad part of me thinks of how relieved I'd be. I'm sure I'll regret the last part of what I just said there, but the angst I feel right now numbs me to any thought or idea of that.
My job is to put Eamon in the best position in life that he can be. I owe that much to him. It is not wrong of me to think the things I am right now...
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Sunday, May 04, 2014
So we just did the 10k race yesterday, Arvin and my 10th year in a row doing it. And wouldn't you know it, he beat me again by a mere 3 seconds. Doh. So many things during the race I did in four seconds I could've not done. Lol. Ah well, it's always gonna be that way with this skinnier, healthier bastard. Lol.
Hopefully this will push me to run more and get ready for the half marathon come October, but you know...nah
Thursday, May 01, 2014
So I just had a pretty intense week with almost getting called into jury duty fir an eight week (!) period.
I already told the judge of my profession thinking it would get me off, but the judge told me I was not deferred.
I got up into the stand and 3 of the 4 deciderers felt I was appropriate for jury duty. Then the last one challenged me (thus bringing me out of contention to be a juror). No challenge here!
I contend that I would not have minded doing this if it wasn't for the WNV program coming up. It would've been an interesting experience. Let's see how I feel though if I get called again...
(Justice does have to be served either way. If I am part of that, I would gladly accept that and no joke, would think it's part of my civic duty. I live in one of the best places in the world and I try not to lose sight of that, so yes, I would not mind giving back and being part of something that makes this society the way it is)
Friday, April 25, 2014
So I finally got around to going to my old Chinese women massage/acupuncture place to heal my nagging ankle.
Acupuncture and acupressure and the massage hurt almost as bad as the injury itself, but dang did it work wonders. These ladies know their stuff, which just goes along my theory that if you're old, a woman, Chinese and seem to be wise, you generally know your sh*t. Lol
* * *
Just came back from the annual AYCE Jays game with the boys from work. Seriously...i think we have to retire doing this. We're all getting up there in age and the spectacle of seeing Argana down 21 hot dogs is more scary now than fascinating.
Regardless, fun times. We even went to maple leafs square to catch the rest of the Raptors playoff game...which they lost. Whompwhomp
Sunday, April 20, 2014
So I had a week off. It was nice to decompress, I guess. In keeping with my plan not to put too much pressure on myself to do too much, I'm glad to say I accomplished the following this past week:
-watched the whole season 4 of The Walkng Dead
-removed the old cabinets from the previous kitchen Reno and mounted them in Sharon's garage and brought home some for my garage
-bought (a little) better fitting ice skates
-took down the old shelving from my garage
-won $10 at slots (!)
I have another week off in a few weeks. We'll see how I feel by then and see if I feel the need to accomplish more
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
So I guess I caught myself putting too much, well, pressure on myself. Trying to do so much, trying to force myself into this perceived place I should be at to be "happy".
I think I have to get back to just doing things that will help me focus more on me (as if I'm not selfish enough). But really, I can't do this to myself...
* * *
Going for more salsa classes again. I'm enjoying it; I just really have to practice
* * *
What happened to my plan of running a lot and getting fit? Oops
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Or more likely, just kind of...give up. Meh.
* * *
Good times with my boy this weekend. He's growing up into a typical boy, but one that I love so much.
Went to Ella's Bday party today (in swanky Forest Hill). How do I know my child is one of the only children that doesn't watch TV/movies? They were playing Frozen there and he was scared of the scenes that had suspense music in it. He literally ran upstairs and told me to turn off the TV. lol
* * *
Congrats to Arfeli for having baby Mika...our group of boys just keeps growing and growing. I guess I won't be having my hair cut anytime soon...lol
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
Looks like I committed to another round of dance class. Let's hope I actually learn something, especially since it's hard to, you know, distinguish my left side and my right side. *facepalm*
Still, I'm still having fun. For now.
(Today was a bit tough on my ankle though. Yargh...wolverine my a**)
Saturday, April 05, 2014
As I keep trying to move forward, I realize the problem is occurring because I have a rear view mirror.
The objects, though, are at least moving further and further away. It's just that...I can still see them.
* * *
Great couple days with my boy. As frustrating as it gets, it's nothing compared to the joy he brings me
* * *
Mushed up ankle is recovering nice and Wolverine like. I mean, sure it's all cankle-like due to the swelling and there's this nasty bruise, but considering I could barely walk yesterday and I even got X-rays it's coming along okay.
Question is now how tentative am I going to be on it when I resume basketball and other activities?
* * *
Gotta do my taxes. Okay. Tomorrow. Let's see how far I get...
Monday, March 31, 2014
My baby just turned three yesterday...which I now consider the best day of the year. Had a nice little get together, with the family over (including ex-in-laws).
Caught myself gazing at my boy today, dressing himself and telling me he wants to do it by himself and getting mad at me when I tried to help him.
Never felt such joy and sadness at the same time.
These are those days I never want to end.
(I'm seriously way too emotional for my own good).
Also just watched the series finale of How I Met Your Mother...sweet story and I feel like it kind of echoes how I wanted my life to be like. My head will forever be in the clouds, I fear
Monday, March 24, 2014
Time flies, and I feel like I already lived a whole life. I hope the next stages of my life are equally as exciting, challenging, happy and of course, even better.
Thankful for the life I had and the people who were/are in it.
Hopefully in the future I start forgiving myself more and being less hard on myself as well
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Still don't know where this life is taking me. Definitely trying to enjoy the ride along the way, especially when I think about where I was just even a month ago. Not quite how I wanted it to go (picking myself up by myself) but I hope I'm stronger for it.
Goodbye vs. Letting Go...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
Sunday, March 02, 2014
Yet I kind of know already?
* * *
Was recently thinking about when I was the most happiest during that time, and also feeling sadness that it would not last and that I could not just focus in and get lost in that moment.
Such is the way I am.
Life moves forward no matter what.
One day I will get there in terms of that again. I can only hope
Friday, February 28, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Monday, February 24, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Any slight happiness I gain seems to always get tempered.
I'm never going to escape the past. I know logically I can't and I don't even necessarily think I want to.
Just keep moving forward despite whatever setbacks happen. Can't control what I can't control
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Gotta find a home I can park my anxiety in. This is getting nuts
* * *
Happy Family Day! Even though my family structure is quite different now and I spend a lot of time worrying if Eamon will be able to cope with the changes (he has so far, I think), I'm lucky to have the life I have. It could always be so much worse.
Aside from my consistent and constant complaining I do on here, I just have to keep looking forward and smile as much as I can :)
Sunday, February 16, 2014
...when you realize you can't go back and not sure where you fit anymore. Hate it but gotta accept it. Supposed to live life with no regrets, but it's me we're talking about here.
But to the future anything can happen I suppose. Just gotta keep living life and creating a new story
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Met with Lisa today and we ate some deelish fatty porketta. Dang it was good.
Would really love it if she would be able to work at Peel. The thought of my mentor working in the same office would be absolutely insane to me if it became reality.
Also insane? What just happened. Really?!? A surprising way to get a genuine smile on my face for the first time in a while. Go figure
Monday, February 10, 2014
Sunday, February 09, 2014
Friday, February 07, 2014
...make me go crazy.
I have to keep busy.
I have to forget.
Why am I cursed with the memories that keep me awake and make me anxious?
When will I really get over the loss?
When will it make sense?
(All I've been doing lately is complaining on this blog. But I need an outlet. I'm spiraling. I need to right myself again. Wait, when was I ever righted?)
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Monday, February 03, 2014
Sunday, February 02, 2014
Here I am again. Impatient. Forcing and trying to look for the only thing in life that I truly want.
Had it, lost it because it wasn't exactly what I thought it was.
Now I'm left questioning if I ever made any right decisions about it.
I told myself I'd never settle and that I would be patient. Why can't I change?
Where is my confidence?
When will I realize that life will never go the way you exactly want it?
When will I stop complaining and putting my life at a standstill and just...live happily?
I lost focus. I have to be happy we myself first. Sigh.
Get up, wake up and shake it up
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I miss the feeling of having feelings. I miss holding someone and being held.
I hate it when timing in life is not ideal. I hate looking back on life and feeling stupid about things. Most of all, I hate obsessing over those things and not being able to move forward.
Why doesn't it make sense? Why do I feel like all my dreams were shattered? Why is it that what made sense doesn't make sense anymore?
I need to rebuild. I need to come to terms with the fact that life isn't what I thought it would be. I need to let go of the anger and sadness.
I am lucky that I don't have those urges to kill myself, despite the fact I've given up on life right now. I'm lucky things are afloat.
Do you know what you've done to me? Do you know what I'm doing to myself? Do you know what I think now? Do you even care?
Incoherent babblings that only make sense to me can be soothing. I need to sustain the catharsis
Monday, January 27, 2014
Question I often ask myself. More so than usual lately.
I guess I didn't realize how...messed up?...I've been. I'm still a ways a way from being where I want to be.
I'm angry and upset and sad. I know why but I can't articulate it. I know with whom (especially myself) but I'm trying to let it go. It's tough. I feel like I betrayed myself with the dreams, thoughts, feelings and desires. I can't sleep because lately it's all I've been thinking about.
Not everything is what it seems. What happens when what you thought something was real but it turns out to be something you're just not sure about anymore?
But...I will not stop fighting. I have to keep at it. I have to stop being so discouraged. I have to stop obsessing. I have to trust myself. I need to believe I will overcome.
I have to learn to say fuck it to myself. Fuck it.
Things happen in life for a reason. I may not like or understand that reason, but the reason is still there.
I will be who I want to be. It will get there. I. Will.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Made me amazed. Until I realized it was Katy Perry's "Roar". But whatever, he's awesome.
Helped me smile today since I got all flustered. I hate I'm not able to cope with feelings/emotions as well as I would like to.
I'm beginning to really think I need a therapist. lol
* * *
Nice seeing you today
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sucks. Sprained the ankle while playing ball. It's just a little tender...like my heart. Lol. Gay.
I hope it's a fast recovery. Best part about this sprained ankle, if there is one? I still made the shot! (Wannabe) ballah!
* * *
Also a hello again? Hello again not being able to sleep.
Why am I so miserable when I have so much to be grateful for?
I carried my boy and danced with him while the Beach Boys song "God Only Knows" was playing. I haven't been so happy. I dread the day when he's too grown up. Sigh.
See? Again...why do I look at the sadness? I have a lot in life to learn still