On-Callin'

...and yet another year I work on-call during this time. I'm not actually that upset about this or anything, as its time to make that mon-ayyyeee.

Life is going by actually pretty fast though...King Ralph is retiring after 37 years of service. Jeez...I'm sad about it as he is the one to have hired me. I do owe a lot to the man!

Been Over A Month Now...

...since my meltdown. 

I'm still lucky 😁

Not so lucky? My BUFF.  Why do bad things happen to good people?

Everytime I Try To Be Productive...

...I don't. Blah

Things Happen Within A Month

Just thinking about how messed up I was just a few weekends ago...and now I'm good and better. 

I'm a pretty lucky guy 😁

Literally

So my boy uses the word "literally" now. Literally...wtf?

Google Homed

Another step towards having absolutely no privacy ever!

The future is now, the end is near, enjoy as much as you can, so I hear

Monday’s Great Date Night

Taco Bell, Kingsmen, Reconnecting.

My heart is full, my stomach is polluted.

Haa. Love my Chipmunk

Nothing Butter

Than garlic butter face

*  *  *

My heart, pride and feelings still irrationally and frustratingly hurt by very little triggers and it’s not fair to others. I gotta shake it off and see what’s in front of my face now and the future...still though*

(*unfortunately it feels like there will always be a “still though”. Self-sabotage? No just me being a headass)

List Of Togetherness

I could get used to this.

Still a ways to go though...how things change over time

Everything Happens For A Reason

...even if you don't know what that reason is. 

I believe it, I think I always have.

I also think I'll become more secure again as time goes on. Or insecure. I guess it depends. /*earth shattering revelation here*

"We're Gonna Take It Slow"

/wide eyes emoji. 

Whatever, I love my weirdo

So I'm Gaga

Dammit

Okay. So I Was Wrong.

She's my Little Rock.  I love her and I'm a stupid idiot. The end. 

20 Episodes Of Shameless

I tried to keep busy and keep my mind off of things this past weekend. I watched 20 one-hour episodes of Shaneless.

Ironic...because now I feel shameful. Sigh

My Feet Are So Cold And Sweaty

Fuck.

Because The Fact Of The Matter Is...

She isn't yours and prolly never will be again. You lost one of the best things to ever happen to you and you just have to deal with it. And not only that, you've done jackshit so far to think you're even close...idiot

Alright, Enough Of This

Getting my confidence back (may be short lived, but still).

I'm not the only one with a lot to lose here.

Gotta keep my head up

I Wonder...

...if she thought about me the same I've been thinking of her this whole time. Maybe that's what I'm really insecure about. 

I guess that's the problem with going all-in and putting all the eggs in one basket. I'm a wreck

https://youtu.be/u-wOyNiQtUg

Trying To Find Myself Again

Maybe this time apart is a good thing? Forcing me to find myself again. Unfortunately it's someone I don't particularly like right now. Uh-oh

If I Can't Handle All This...

...self-inflicted adversity, what makes me think I can handle any others?

Being alone with my thoughts sucks the life out of me. How did I get here again? Oh right

Must Move On

Gotta stop thinking about the past. Gotta trust myself. Gotta stop complaining. Gotta get out of this funk.

Gotta man up and stop regressing. I'm not the same person I was; I gotta get out of this mindset.

How can I offer anything to anyone if I don't get myself right first?

I hope I'm the only one reading my blog by now and that others have forgotten it. 

This is the most I've posted in a while (clearly)...maybe I should just cool it for a while. Sigh

And Now The Inevitable Part Where I Ask Myself...

...what if I just never said anything at all? Would I be in this tailspin right now?

I just can't see past anything right now. Wish I was blind. Wait...I am.

I feel walls starting to form again. This can't be good

I Think The Problem Is Obsessive Behaviour

When my mind is something there at times is absolutely nothing that can divert my attention from it, especially if it's a bad or paranoid thought. Keeping busy works sometimes, sometimes not. 

Is it over yet?  Dear gawd just release me from this. 

Drama

Why Is It So Hard To Regulate My Feelings?

I thought I was getting better at this?

Fuck this shit

Sitting Here Feeling Like A Fool

Now it's my time to feel foolish.  Did I really think it would be this easy?  Do I share with her what I really feel, or is this one of those things I take with me to the grave? 

Why am I so fucking dramatic? Fuck it I don't care I'm being me and it's so difficult sometimes

This Is Why I Don't Share Feelings

It leaves me vulnerable and exposed and a sucky baby.  Hard to control the worms when the can of has been opened.

Fack. 

Maybe I really am mildly bipolar...when it's high it's high when it's low it's really low. Nothing I can do but complain on here I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break down and admit things yet again impacting her and then spiraling again to the same same. I'm supposed to be stronger than this by now.  Dammit. 

Smoking didn't help either...maybe even made things worse as thoughts and feelings intensified. Sigh

Like, 16 Again?

So...jealousy? Really?  Thinking worse case scenario?  Sandgerness?

Ha: https://youtu.be/o3IWTfcks4k

So...This Is Kinda Tough

Especially when you have a day off. Kept myself busy doing chores and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like a little bit of a loser. Can't even explain why exactly...maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm not feeling so secure and that pasts are not always that easy to...get over. Not to mention the fact I feel so...exposed.  Hate this again. 

I got a reassurance but I still have a pit in my stomach. Maybe I just don't think it's true and I really feel like I'm gonna get my comeuppance as again, I still feel I deserve worse than what's been given to me. And I can't complain about it (at least outloud and I'm hoping this isn't read as some people are now aware of this blog) nor expect anyone to do anything about this as its my own problem.

Wish I could just get out of my own head sometimes. 

I'll try to dance it away but...sigh

"Did You Forget? This Is What You Get"

Oh right. Seems to have escaped my mind (how convenient) that I'm still in debt here. 

A whole lotta deserved feelings still required. 

Remember that karma thing?

I hope I come out of this process not so jaded or skewed. Meh

Gonna Take Some Time

There isn't a prescribed set of days/weeks/months...but I imagine it will take quite some time for these thoughts to subside. And then of course a problem arises when I have too much time on my hands. Of course. 

I think that everything points to the fact that I think I'm special.  Or rather...that I want to be special but don't have that feeling. Well at least maybe not yet. Hopefully one of two things happen: I do get that feeling...or I am successful at just letting those wants go completely. I don't know.

Gotta keep busy

Now Where Was I

Lots of (good) things have been happening the past few days. 

So of course I'm starting to get (physically) sick.  And when that happens, I start to get (mentally, emotionally) sick. Or at least I start to have negative thoughts again. Because of course. 

I should focus and try not to get riled up too much the next few days. Play it cool man!

Remember...there is still a lot of work to be done before I can be trusted again.  In the meantime, I have to trust others. Have to.

I should keep busy and revert back to content by myself mode. Although the weather is making it a bit difficult for me to get my Christmas lights up and my contractor is taking his time with the estimate and...okay I better just do laundry

Clone Talk

I mean, others (as in the rest of the world) may think talks of clones and things they can do would be weird, but apparently it’s normal for others (as in two people, myself included).

Heart is overloaded right now...whoa whoa hold on

My Heart Is Full Right Now

But let's not get ahead of ourselves please 

So Yeah. I Really, Really Didn't Deserve Any Of That

But wow...I'm still kind of holding my breath but in the meantime...wow 

Oh Crap Not Again

The thoughts came back.  Of course they did. 

Maybe I should just return to a fatalistic point of view? Maybe my insecurities are eating me up again. Maybe this is what it feels like when you put your trust into someone and are still unsure why that someone should trust you due to stuff that happened in the past. 

There really is never going back (to the way things once were), and I'm mourning that lost still (which I recognize I really need to get over, but it takes a lot of time especially with me).

All there is now is to a different future...which maybe has me freaked out a bit because I can't control it. But isn't that it though? Am I really that much of a control freak that if I can't predict the future with much certainty that I break down?

This is what I mean when I say I have to let go and let things come as they may. Haven't I learned these lessons before in my life? I think yes, but whenever emotions are raw and new and/or renewed...I become like this.

Dammit

Much Better Now Thanks

Some time and a viewpoint change helps I guess. 

Sometimes I can't wait for the sweet release from life though...maybe then it will all calm down and make sense. Not that I'm suicidal or anything.

Still waiting for anxiety to subside a bit though

Through The Hurricanes

Maybe...maybe it is true. You really have to go through a lot of storms and through all the badness before you really realize and appreciate the goodness in life.

So much of it is self-inflicted and the guilt and pain you feel when you drag someone else through it is also distressing, but you have to trust that the other person knows what they’re doing as well.

I think I have found my partner, the one I want to be in a team with. There is always a risk it won’t work but that’s just like anything in life. I’ll try to keep these thoughts at the way back of my mind but in the mean time...I have to move forward

What To Work On

-patience
-moving on and not dwelling on certain thoughts (one of the things you’re worst at)
-insecurities
-being genuine
-facing uncomfortable truths with strength and dignity
-loving yourself more

It's Like I Lived A Thousand Deaths Yesterday

Hopefully I'm a bit more stabilized today. 

No more melodrama...I have to keep going forward. 

That was crazy...haven't been like that in a long time. Yikes

Afraid Of What Dream May Come

First time trying to sleep in two days. 

I hope there are dreams

Eased A Bit

I’m still a bit like a zombie though and can’t entirely focus, but there’s nothing like snuggling in bed with my boy that helps

Only Thing I Can Do Is Move Forward

It’s so difficult and I don’t have the energy right this second.

It’s getting better though. Thankfully

Getting There

Just trying to believe in myself again

Lifting Ever So Slowly

I hate this

What Exactly Do You Have To Offer Her Again?

Why do you think she would be happy with you?

I hate my insecurities

It’s Not Supposed To Be This Difficult, Right?

So then why is? Why do I always make it difficult?

How will I look back on this?

When will I look back on this?

Everything Is Foggy Again

Nothing feels clear and I can’t even see one step ahead of me. 

Trying so hard not to get within my shell again and implode. 

Resisting the urge to sabotage myself. 

I have an opportunity to make things okay but I can’t stop the negative thoughts. 

I just want to avoid everyone including the person I’m not supposed to. 

I’m so embarrassed and full of shame and anxiety and I don’t know who to turn to. 

Have to put on a happy face, at least for my boy. 

Gotta get this right

Everything Surfaces

Eventually.

Always run the risk of presenting yourself wrong when people are privy to your innermost thoughts.

I need to get away from my thoughts

Must Get Up And Get Moving

I have to. At least for my son. 

I love you Chipmunk. I don't know a lot of things but I do know that

Why Would The Third Time Be Different?

Why would I think she can trust me again?

I broke her trust, her heart, her spirit. I cannot do that again, ever. But how can I be sure I won't?

I hate this

Moving Forward

How? I feel incapacitated. 

This feels worse than the past. 

Maybe I just can't take the pain anymore. 

I want to let go (of the pain) but maybe I shouldn't 

List Of Regrets

-not telling her my feelings before, including the things that scared me

-not respecting her

-not respecting myself

-thinking I could do better before

-focusing on stupid negative reasons

-listening and letting others influence me when I should've spoke and trusted myself

Am I Scared?

Terrified. I can't even put into words what it is I'm so terrified about. 

What if I DO end up breaking her heart again? What if I was wrong in all of this?

What can I do to make my mind more at ease? I don't think anything. I think time. 

Hearts are constantly changed and scars never heal. 

She shut her heart to me, rightfully so, and I saw it in her eyes today. 

I am trying so hard not to put up walls. Stay in the vulnerability of such an exposed heart and feelings. 

I have to shut out what I think other people will think and concentrate on my own thoughts. 

I have to face harsh truths

Can't Erase The Past

Especially if it's not my own past. 

How am I ever going to mature if I can't stop fixating on something I can't control? Is it me sabotaging again? Defense mechanism?

What the fuck?

The thought comes and goes. I just want it to go

Numb

A lot of regrets. 

Must pick up and go forward. Don't need to know where you're going as long as you're going forward. 

Had her in my arms all night and still searching for answers. 

Do I turn to God again? Really?

How do I stop from being a...suck?

Could It Ever Have Been Different In The Past?

Did I really have to do what I did?

Did I really, really need that time alone?

Did I really have to let love go (twice) hoping it would come back?

All signs point to yes. I can't be that stupid back then. Am I stupid right now? Yes maybe but no

My Heart Is In Shambles Too

I can't stand to face some truths. 

I need to process everything and be able to not be incapacitated. 

I need to believe in something again. 

I can't even begin to pretend I know what love is. 

Am I trying to go back?  Or am I just trying to go forward without success?

I Just Want To Be With You

And love you and hold you and be happy with you. But how?

Betrayed by my own thoughts. 

When you can't ever do anything but screw up. 

My heart is not in it. Where is my heart anyway? Do I even have one?

I Cant Ever Get Back What I Lost

I can't even fucking cry. I feel like a robot. 

How can I offer her anything?

How can I offer myself anything?

I have to fight myself. I can't do this. I can. I don't want to. I do.

When does it get better? Haven't I been through this before?

I wish I could stop wishing. 

This is the pain you deserve you stupid motherfucker. 

Fuck. 

Stop pushing her away

How To Process

How to deal. 

I fucked up. 

And now I can't get mental images out of my head. 

I do not deserve her. 

What am I doing. 

Why am I incapacitated. 

Why

Rage Out Much?

Can't get those thoughts out if your mind?

Yeah, don't forget, you deserve that.

I really hope I don't spiral out. I don't think I will but I've been feeling pretty incapacitated lately. Argh

When You Regret

Can't lead to any good, right?

Worse is when you picture other things in your mind and it's nobody but your own damn fault.

I hope I could learn a lesson through all this. 

I hope I can forget. And really forgive myself

So Now You Really Said What You Said

I hope it was worth it. 

Selfishly (wtf am I putting her through again), it does lift a weight off my chest a bit. 

Maybe I should've kept that shit inside.  Meh

*  *  *

Excuse all the melodrama lately on this blog...its just helping me clear my mind a bit

The Day After....

...always the day after. 

I feel like an asshole and I don't deserve someone like her. There's nothing I can do but sit here and take it and contemplate the future (again). 

Also, can I say that being on online dating websites really does a number on your ego when you're really, really not successful at it? Lol. 

Maybe I have to accept the fact that I'm just different and not really how I picture myself to be (obviously). What do I do next?

When It Feels Right

But also confusing. Whole glut of emotions.

Wasn't I supposed to leave her alone?

Do I know what can of worms I've opened again?

It's okay...supposed to love like it's your last day, no matter how embarrassed you get or feel.

Whatever happens, I've got to stop being afraid of myself and making up these excuses

Lying Around Doing Nothing

Literally. 

Is it good for mental health? I mean...sure?

Now One Too Many?

Really, now?

*  *  *

Fun times in Chicago with the fam and Eamon is enjoying himself. If only he could shake off his cough!

Slipping Right Back Into The Conversation

Well that didn't take long. We're right back to our conversations as if nothing has changed. Yikes

*  *  *

Off to the Windy City with the boy and brothers!

Haven't You Done Enough To Her?!?

So that was the prevailing thought I had today. 

Seriously now, after all I've put her through (twice), why in the hell would I think she could ever trust me again?

And why exactly do I think I can actually maintain a relationship with...anyone? I'm not exactly the most easiest person to live with.  Not that I want to get back with her. I think. Fuck I don't know anything. 

I recall seeing a meme somewhere on Facebook a few weeks ago stating (paraphrasing here): "If you see a shining woman, stand back and leave her alone and just appreciate her."  Clearly this is what I should most reasonably do.  Gawd why can't I just be reasonable?

I wouldn't ever blame her if she ever decided not to talk to me again. I think I have to keep this in mind EVERY SINGLE MOMENT and just start to get over it and truly let go. 

Blah. 

Again. 

*  *  *

On a more random and amusing note, I had a good convo with my BUFF this morning and for some reason she started talking about psychedelic drug usage and her desire to maybe wanting to try it. It was so random that it makes me appreciate her even more. I hope this has nothing to do with Our place of employment screwing her over yet again (and again and again times 7), but I don't think it does

Is It Any Better?

From the jitters and anxiety I have, maybe not as much. But I have to power through, especially after giving a speech to Tools with what's going through her life.

Serenity now

Let's Revisit The Overdramatic Past Few Days

A bit better of a headspace now, thankfully. Funny how that works. 

Had a chat, still don't know what the future holds between us two, but it's nice to at least talk a few things out. And hug it out at least. 

Happy bday chipmunk; you'll end up most likely meaning more to me than you'll ever know (and I'll ever admit for whatever reason)

When It Hits Hard

It hits hard.

Gotta get my head out of this cloud.

Let's Try To Organize These Thoughts Again, Shall We

Funny how I'm not above it...that stereotype that males only realize what they lose well after its gone. Even worse is how hard it's hitting me. 

I mean, I've been here before, haven't I? Well...yes. But different. As always. 

It's interesting what gets revealed to yourself, or at least the truths you face when you're all frazzled. For example, I was thinking while I was out dancing that something so rare, something I thought I really wanted (and still do) occurs but of course I push it away. The outright love and acceptance from a woman for whom I am and how I conduct my life...and I pushed it away. 

It's rare!  I don't have a lot of people knocking on my door! (Cue sob story of "I can't find anyone who understands me!")

Am I really back to those feelings of not wanting to be alone? What's wrong with being alone anyway? Jeez...I was at a place in my life where I was okay (at least I think I thought I was okay. Or rather, at a different point in my life.). And now I'm fretting about how long it's going to take me to reset again to get back to that point. Or is it myself fighting the fact that I don't want to be back at that point?

What happened to the whole noble thoughts of letting go and living and remembering fond memories and life's lessons and reasons that people come in and out of your life? Is it all bullshit?

Maybe...I'm just back to a point where I don't love myself enough. I feel too much guilt about hurting someone that gave so much of themselves to me and I deem it as something I don't want. And now that door is shut forever. But it's what you decided!

Is there something wrong with me? (Yes, but that's okay. It's life.)

It almost makes me just want to quit it all (the whole finding a relationship thing, not life.). But maybe that's what I need to do! Stop dreaming and hoping and start living differently. 

Surely when I wake up my thoughts and feelings will be different yet again. 

Maybe it is too difficult seeing my (not yours anymore, get real) chipmunk

And Yet Again...

...I should never be left alone with my own thoughts. Smh. 

This whole adhd thing I self-diagnosed myself as an adult can't be good for anyone. Especially me!

10 Years Ago...

...a lifetime ago. Is it silly to still mourn something that happened so long ago? I don't think so. I would like to think its not regret, but rather just memories and experiences that helped me be who I am today. 

Do I like who I am today though?

Most days. I've been consciously trying to like myself more, despite my doubts, insecurities and sadness.

I try to look forward to the future but some days I'm stuck in the past. 

It's not only the failed marriage...I mean, I'd like to think we're in a good place, but alas nothing stays forever. 

Case in point? My inability to fully get over the latest major thing in my life. 

Funny, I asked her, so cocky and confidently a few weeks ago if things were going to be awkward between us. Today, I was the awkward one. Gawd damn, how old am I? But does that matter? I feel what I feel and I act how I act. 

I stay hopeful that one day the answers will be clearer (not totally clear; can't be naive about that).  In the meantime, I better do something with myself to stay busy.

Rambling idiot. But I forgive myself. Right?

I'm thankful for the anchors in my life

Took Me A Few Days...

...then I realized it. I miss her and her friendship. 

It's hard rationalizing things sometimes, but I don't think I am here per se. I mean, I don't see a romantic future but I miss the company and the laughs and...her presence. Her friendship. 

I've always said "well if you cross that boundary and are scared the friendship might go away, maybe the friendship wasn't that strong to begin with. Plus you can always find new friends."  Well that's...rather callous but life goes on blah blah rationalize. 

I'm trying hard to just look at the memories I had with the chipmunk with fondness and to let go, which I am starting to (been here before, but that doesn't mean it gets easier). Cold turkey isn't always palatable; frozen turkey you're bound to break a tooth or two.

But I do miss her. 

Meh.

Time to focus on other things again

Gut Check Time

Remember the decisions you make are the ones that are supposed to be good for your life...don't lose the confidence and don't lose hope!

Speaking of gut checks, I really should check mine...gotta get into a better lifestyle 

RIP Linds

Way too young, or I'm getting older. 

Reminder to live life the way you want to/able to though

My (Grade One) Baby

Dear Gawd, already?!?

You Still Here?

I am, but not much these days. One day I might get back to blogging...today isn't that day. 

Going to NYC in 4 days!

Cinqo De Ohoh I Have A Race

Oh right.  Got that annual Mississauga 10K thing I do tomorrow.  First time I'll have run 10K all year!

/dead

Gracious. (Gracious?)

Have way through dinner, my boy stops, facepalms himself and says "Gracious I forgot to make a card for you". 

Wtf? I know I've been binging on Downton Abbey and all but this might be a bit ridonk. Made me laugh plenty though

Happy Day Before Ballentynes

Officially past the hype of this day. Then again maybe if I were in a relationship...(haa)

*  *  *

Eamon played so well as a goalie in hockey. I got the pride!

Reso-'17

1.  Don't be late. Oop...with the list I am so...

2.  Forget it I already broke #1

Anywho, I shall continue my quest to be more comfortable in my own skin...although really that shouldn't be just a new year's resolution.  To the future!

(Speaking of which...getting back to the past a but are we? There's a first for everything I suppose!)