Sunday, October 15, 2017

Let's Revisit The Overdramatic Past Few Days

A bit better of a headspace now, thankfully. Funny how that works. 

Had a chat, still don't know what the future holds between us two, but it's nice to at least talk a few things out. And hug it out at least. 

Happy bday chipmunk; you'll end up most likely meaning more to me than you'll ever know (and I'll ever admit for whatever reason)

When It Hits Hard

It hits hard.

Gotta get my head out of this cloud.

Let's Try To Organize These Thoughts Again, Shall We

Funny how I'm not above it...that stereotype that males only realize what they lose well after its gone. Even worse is how hard it's hitting me. 

I mean, I've been here before, haven't I? Well...yes. But different. As always. 

It's interesting what gets revealed to yourself, or at least the truths you face when you're all frazzled. For example, I was thinking while I was out dancing that something so rare, something I thought I really wanted (and still do) occurs but of course I push it away. The outright love and acceptance from a woman for whom I am and how I conduct my life...and I pushed it away. 

It's rare!  I don't have a lot of people knocking on my door! (Cue sob story of "I can't find anyone who understands me!")

Am I really back to those feelings of not wanting to be alone? What's wrong with being alone anyway? Jeez...I was at a place in my life where I was okay (at least I think I thought I was okay. Or rather, at a different point in my life.). And now I'm fretting about how long it's going to take me to reset again to get back to that point. Or is it myself fighting the fact that I don't want to be back at that point?

What happened to the whole noble thoughts of letting go and living and remembering fond memories and life's lessons and reasons that people come in and out of your life? Is it all bullshit?

Maybe...I'm just back to a point where I don't love myself enough. I feel too much guilt about hurting someone that gave so much of themselves to me and I deem it as something I don't want. And now that door is shut forever. But it's what you decided!

Is there something wrong with me? (Yes, but that's okay. It's life.)

It almost makes me just want to quit it all (the whole finding a relationship thing, not life.). But maybe that's what I need to do! Stop dreaming and hoping and start living differently. 

Surely when I wake up my thoughts and feelings will be different yet again. 

Maybe it is too difficult seeing my (not yours anymore, get real) chipmunk

Saturday, October 14, 2017

And Yet Again...

...I should never be left alone with my own thoughts. Smh. 

This whole adhd thing I self-diagnosed myself as an adult can't be good for anyone. Especially me!

10 Years Ago...

...a lifetime ago. Is it silly to still mourn something that happened so long ago? I don't think so. I would like to think its not regret, but rather just memories and experiences that helped me be who I am today. 

Do I like who I am today though?

Most days. I've been consciously trying to like myself more, despite my doubts, insecurities and sadness.

I try to look forward to the future but some days I'm stuck in the past. 

It's not only the failed marriage...I mean, I'd like to think we're in a good place, but alas nothing stays forever. 

Case in point? My inability to fully get over the latest major thing in my life. 

Funny, I asked her, so cocky and confidently a few weeks ago if things were going to be awkward between us. Today, I was the awkward one. Gawd damn, how old am I? But does that matter? I feel what I feel and I act how I act. 

I stay hopeful that one day the answers will be clearer (not totally clear; can't be naive about that).  In the meantime, I better do something with myself to stay busy.

Rambling idiot. But I forgive myself. Right?

I'm thankful for the anchors in my life

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Took Me A Few Days...

...then I realized it. I miss her and her friendship. 

It's hard rationalizing things sometimes, but I don't think I am here per se. I mean, I don't see a romantic future but I miss the company and the laughs and...her presence. Her friendship. 

I've always said "well if you cross that boundary and are scared the friendship might go away, maybe the friendship wasn't that strong to begin with. Plus you can always find new friends."  Well that's...rather callous but life goes on blah blah rationalize. 

I'm trying hard to just look at the memories I had with the chipmunk with fondness and to let go, which I am starting to (been here before, but that doesn't mean it gets easier). Cold turkey isn't always palatable; frozen turkey you're bound to break a tooth or two.

But I do miss her. 

Meh.

Time to focus on other things again

Sunday, October 08, 2017

Gut Check Time

Remember the decisions you make are the ones that are supposed to be good for your life...don't lose the confidence and don't lose hope!

Speaking of gut checks, I really should check mine...gotta get into a better lifestyle 

Friday, September 29, 2017

RIP Linds

Way too young, or I'm getting older. 

Reminder to live life the way you want to/able to though

Monday, September 04, 2017

My (Grade One) Baby

Dear Gawd, already?!?

Sunday, August 13, 2017

You Still Here?

I am, but not much these days. One day I might get back to blogging...today isn't that day. 

Going to NYC in 4 days!

Friday, May 05, 2017

Cinqo De Ohoh I Have A Race

Oh right.  Got that annual Mississauga 10K thing I do tomorrow.  First time I'll have run 10K all year!

/dead

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Gracious. (Gracious?)

Have way through dinner, my boy stops, facepalms himself and says "Gracious I forgot to make a card for you". 

Wtf? I know I've been binging on Downton Abbey and all but this might be a bit ridonk. Made me laugh plenty though

Monday, February 13, 2017

Happy Day Before Ballentynes

Officially past the hype of this day. Then again maybe if I were in a relationship...(haa)

*  *  *

Eamon played so well as a goalie in hockey. I got the pride!

Friday, January 06, 2017

Reso-'17

1.  Don't be late. Oop...with the list I am so...
2.  Forget it I already broke #1

Anywho, I shall continue my quest to be more comfortable in my own skin...although really that shouldn't be just a new year's resolution.  To the future!

(Speaking of which...getting back to the past a but are we? There's a first for everything I suppose!)