My heart, pride and feelings still irrationally and frustratingly hurt by very little triggers and it’s not fair to others. I gotta shake it off and see what’s in front of my face now and the future...still though*
(*unfortunately it feels like there will always be a “still though”. Self-sabotage? No just me being a headass)
She isn't yours and prolly never will be again. You lost one of the best things to ever happen to you and you just have to deal with it. And not only that, you've done jackshit so far to think you're even close...idiot
It leaves me vulnerable and exposed and a sucky baby. Hard to control the worms when the can of has been opened.
Maybe I really am mildly bipolar...when it's high it's high when it's low it's really low. Nothing I can do but complain on here I guess. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna break down and admit things yet again impacting her and then spiraling again to the same same. I'm supposed to be stronger than this by now. Dammit.
Smoking didn't help either...maybe even made things worse as thoughts and feelings intensified. Sigh
Especially when you have a day off. Kept myself busy doing chores and whatnot, but I can't help but feel like a little bit of a loser. Can't even explain why exactly...maybe it has something to do with the fact I'm not feeling so secure and that pasts are not always that easy to...get over. Not to mention the fact I feel so...exposed. Hate this again.
I got a reassurance but I still have a pit in my stomach. Maybe I just don't think it's true and I really feel like I'm gonna get my comeuppance as again, I still feel I deserve worse than what's been given to me. And I can't complain about it (at least outloud and I'm hoping this isn't read as some people are now aware of this blog) nor expect anyone to do anything about this as its my own problem.
Wish I could just get out of my own head sometimes.
There isn't a prescribed set of days/weeks/months...but I imagine it will take quite some time for these thoughts to subside. And then of course a problem arises when I have too much time on my hands. Of course.
I think that everything points to the fact that I think I'm special. Or rather...that I want to be special but don't have that feeling. Well at least maybe not yet. Hopefully one of two things happen: I do get that feeling...or I am successful at just letting those wants go completely. I don't know.
Lots of (good) things have been happening the past few days.
So of course I'm starting to get (physically) sick. And when that happens, I start to get (mentally, emotionally) sick. Or at least I start to have negative thoughts again. Because of course.
I should focus and try not to get riled up too much the next few days. Play it cool man!
Remember...there is still a lot of work to be done before I can be trusted again. In the meantime, I have to trust others. Have to.
I should keep busy and revert back to content by myself mode. Although the weather is making it a bit difficult for me to get my Christmas lights up and my contractor is taking his time with the estimate and...okay I better just do laundry
Maybe I should just return to a fatalistic point of view? Maybe my insecurities are eating me up again. Maybe this is what it feels like when you put your trust into someone and are still unsure why that someone should trust you due to stuff that happened in the past.
There really is never going back (to the way things once were), and I'm mourning that lost still (which I recognize I really need to get over, but it takes a lot of time especially with me).
All there is now is to a different future...which maybe has me freaked out a bit because I can't control it. But isn't that it though? Am I really that much of a control freak that if I can't predict the future with much certainty that I break down?
This is what I mean when I say I have to let go and let things come as they may. Haven't I learned these lessons before in my life? I think yes, but whenever emotions are raw and new and/or renewed...I become like this.
Maybe...maybe it is true. You really have to go through a lot of storms and through all the badness before you really realize and appreciate the goodness in life.
So much of it is self-inflicted and the guilt and pain you feel when you drag someone else through it is also distressing, but you have to trust that the other person knows what they’re doing as well.
I think I have found my partner, the one I want to be in a team with. There is always a risk it won’t work but that’s just like anything in life. I’ll try to keep these thoughts at the way back of my mind but in the mean time...I have to move forward
Seriously now, after all I've put her through (twice), why in the hell would I think she could ever trust me again?
And why exactly do I think I can actually maintain a relationship with...anyone? I'm not exactly the most easiest person to live with. Not that I want to get back with her. I think. Fuck I don't know anything.
I recall seeing a meme somewhere on Facebook a few weeks ago stating (paraphrasing here): "If you see a shining woman, stand back and leave her alone and just appreciate her." Clearly this is what I should most reasonably do. Gawd why can't I just be reasonable?
I wouldn't ever blame her if she ever decided not to talk to me again. I think I have to keep this in mind EVERY SINGLE MOMENT and just start to get over it and truly let go.
* * *
On a more random and amusing note, I had a good convo with my BUFF this morning and for some reason she started talking about psychedelic drug usage and her desire to maybe wanting to try it. It was so random that it makes me appreciate her even more. I hope this has nothing to do with Our place of employment screwing her over yet again (and again and again times 7), but I don't think it does
Funny how I'm not above it...that stereotype that males only realize what they lose well after its gone. Even worse is how hard it's hitting me.
I mean, I've been here before, haven't I? Well...yes. But different. As always.
It's interesting what gets revealed to yourself, or at least the truths you face when you're all frazzled. For example, I was thinking while I was out dancing that something so rare, something I thought I really wanted (and still do) occurs but of course I push it away. The outright love and acceptance from a woman for whom I am and how I conduct my life...and I pushed it away.
It's rare! I don't have a lot of people knocking on my door! (Cue sob story of "I can't find anyone who understands me!")
Am I really back to those feelings of not wanting to be alone? What's wrong with being alone anyway? Jeez...I was at a place in my life where I was okay (at least I think I thought I was okay. Or rather, at a different point in my life.). And now I'm fretting about how long it's going to take me to reset again to get back to that point. Or is it myself fighting the fact that I don't want to be back at that point?
What happened to the whole noble thoughts of letting go and living and remembering fond memories and life's lessons and reasons that people come in and out of your life? Is it all bullshit?
Maybe...I'm just back to a point where I don't love myself enough. I feel too much guilt about hurting someone that gave so much of themselves to me and I deem it as something I don't want. And now that door is shut forever. But it's what you decided!
Is there something wrong with me? (Yes, but that's okay. It's life.)
It almost makes me just want to quit it all (the whole finding a relationship thing, not life.). But maybe that's what I need to do! Stop dreaming and hoping and start living differently.
Surely when I wake up my thoughts and feelings will be different yet again.
Maybe it is too difficult seeing my (not yours anymore, get real) chipmunk
...a lifetime ago. Is it silly to still mourn something that happened so long ago? I don't think so. I would like to think its not regret, but rather just memories and experiences that helped me be who I am today.
Do I like who I am today though?
Most days. I've been consciously trying to like myself more, despite my doubts, insecurities and sadness.
I try to look forward to the future but some days I'm stuck in the past.
It's not only the failed marriage...I mean, I'd like to think we're in a good place, but alas nothing stays forever.
Case in point? My inability to fully get over the latest major thing in my life.
Funny, I asked her, so cocky and confidently a few weeks ago if things were going to be awkward between us. Today, I was the awkward one. Gawd damn, how old am I? But does that matter? I feel what I feel and I act how I act.
I stay hopeful that one day the answers will be clearer (not totally clear; can't be naive about that). In the meantime, I better do something with myself to stay busy.
...then I realized it. I miss her and her friendship.
It's hard rationalizing things sometimes, but I don't think I am here per se. I mean, I don't see a romantic future but I miss the company and the laughs and...her presence. Her friendship.
I've always said "well if you cross that boundary and are scared the friendship might go away, maybe the friendship wasn't that strong to begin with. Plus you can always find new friends." Well that's...rather callous but life goes on blah blah rationalize.
I'm trying hard to just look at the memories I had with the chipmunk with fondness and to let go, which I am starting to (been here before, but that doesn't mean it gets easier). Cold turkey isn't always palatable; frozen turkey you're bound to break a tooth or two.