Sunday, October 15, 2017

Let's Try To Organize These Thoughts Again, Shall We

Funny how I'm not above it...that stereotype that males only realize what they lose well after its gone. Even worse is how hard it's hitting me. 

I mean, I've been here before, haven't I? Well...yes. But different. As always. 

It's interesting what gets revealed to yourself, or at least the truths you face when you're all frazzled. For example, I was thinking while I was out dancing that something so rare, something I thought I really wanted (and still do) occurs but of course I push it away. The outright love and acceptance from a woman for whom I am and how I conduct my life...and I pushed it away. 

It's rare!  I don't have a lot of people knocking on my door! (Cue sob story of "I can't find anyone who understands me!")

Am I really back to those feelings of not wanting to be alone? What's wrong with being alone anyway? Jeez...I was at a place in my life where I was okay (at least I think I thought I was okay. Or rather, at a different point in my life.). And now I'm fretting about how long it's going to take me to reset again to get back to that point. Or is it myself fighting the fact that I don't want to be back at that point?

What happened to the whole noble thoughts of letting go and living and remembering fond memories and life's lessons and reasons that people come in and out of your life? Is it all bullshit?

Maybe...I'm just back to a point where I don't love myself enough. I feel too much guilt about hurting someone that gave so much of themselves to me and I deem it as something I don't want. And now that door is shut forever. But it's what you decided!

Is there something wrong with me? (Yes, but that's okay. It's life.)

It almost makes me just want to quit it all (the whole finding a relationship thing, not life.). But maybe that's what I need to do! Stop dreaming and hoping and start living differently. 

Surely when I wake up my thoughts and feelings will be different yet again. 

Maybe it is too difficult seeing my (not yours anymore, get real) chipmunk

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