Saturday, December 31, 2011

Let's See How This Goes Version 32.0

Well, it's that time of year again where I analyze my last year's resolutions and make a list that I'm surely not going to perfect when I get to this time next year (if there is a this time next year -- you know, those Mayan's and all):

1.  Don't be so pessimistic; make a conscious effort to be happier
Like most everything in my life, I go through ups and downs.  When I'm up, of course I feel happy that I am being, well, happy.  When I'm down, it is more amplified as ever that I feel like I am being pessimistic.   But for the most part, I think I have been happier about certain aspects about my life and unfortunately unhappier about other aspects.  It's all part of my roller coaster I call my emotions
2.  Make those around me as happy as can be and support them as much as possible.  Understand that making people happy should lead me to be just as happy
I noticed that at places like at work I am consciously trying to be more optimistic; looking at the "bright side of things" so to speak.  Unfortunately, I notice at other places (particularly at home), I am not as happy or as supportive as can be.  Which, really, is just horrible.  It should be the other way around.  I would be remiss to say, though, if I haven't been trying.  Maybe not every single day, but I do try the majority of the time.   In lots of ways, yes, I still do believe that other people's happiness makes me just as happy (if I could just work on that whole jealousy/pettiness aspect though).  And since when did I get so naive as to think that "happiness" is a static state?  Like I keep saying, things always change; feelings, thoughts and actions.  Dammit.
3.  It's spelled "selfless", not "selfish".  Especially with a baby on the way
I am still selfish.  Very much so.  So much that I get disappointed with myself.  But, I also think I am selfless at times, especially when I need to be.  Before my blessing of a baby boy came along, I always had some sort of idea of how "selfless" I had to be in order to be a parent.  I would like to think I'm holding up my end of that bargain.  But still, I have a lot of work left to do with this one
4.  Accept the storm in my mind.  Accept that my emotions are like the weather in Mississauga; it constantly fluctuates and that there is perhaps nothing wrong with that as long as it's not consistently a monsoon in there.  We all can't have Long Beach, California weather in our minds or for our emotions; I have to accept that I will never be one of those people
Perhaps surprisingly?  Done.  I am accepting myself in that regard more and more everyday.  And it's not a monsoon in there everyday, thankfully
5.  Don't be so hard on yourself; accepting that making mistakes (new word for "screwing up"?) will occur, but to give an honest effort not to make the same mistake twice.  Sometimes what is viewed as a mistake is not a mistake anyway in retrospect
Also surprisingly, I think that this went a lot better than I thought.  Unfortunately, with all this acceptance come coupled with the feeling of being selfish.  Oh what a conundrum.  As before, I have a lot to work on for this, but I am not going to be so hard on myself if I don't get to where I want to be (see what I did there?)
6.  Exercise.  Keep at it, especially since it may be harder to come by when April rolls around
I am keeping at it, although it does admittedly get hard when I have other responsibilities preventing me from exercising as much as I want.  Not to use that as an excuse, but as a fact.  I am happy that I view exercising and sweating as something that makes me, well, happy.  Too much slothfulness makes me angry at myself.  This is good, even though it goes against #5, right?
7.  Try something new.  I'm thinking Yoga.  I'm going to try Yoga
I didn't try Yoga.  (  I bought a book on Yoga.  I read maybe about a quarter of it.  Does that count?  I dunno...this one resolution I had a feeling I wouldn't keep.  Of course with that mindset, I didn't.  I guess Yoga just never really captured my interest.  Maybe one day I'll take a class
8.  Dream less, live more (okay, I may be setting myself up for failure with this
I'll never stop dreaming.  This is all part of that whole "accepting myself" thing I had going on a few points above.  A dreamer is who I am and who I will always be.  Even though I dream of things that I know won't happen in this lifetime, I still dream about it becoming true.  Dreams are what pushes me.  I can't help that.  What I have to work on is not being so disappointed/disheartened/disenchanted when these unreachable dreams don't happen/become reality.  (As an aside, I might secretly be terrified if my dreams actually do come true.  Then what will I dream of?  Breaking them down?  Yikes.)  And honestly?  I'm not sure what I meant by "live more".  Maybe I meant try to be more in the reality that is my life.  If that's what I meant, then I would think that I am putting in effort there.

So all-in-all, I'm neither impressed nor disappointed with my efforts throughout the year.  I am hoping 2012, though, will be at least a little more on the "impressed" side.

Let's make a list:

1.  Be quiet.  Seriously, I think I am going to try this route, especially when I'm sad/disappointed/jealous/petty/angry.  I screw up a lot when I open my mouth. This is not to say that I want to keep things bottled up, but my first reaction shouldn't always be with me opening up my mouth.
2.  Be more optimistic (this is exactly like "don't be so pessimistic" I guess).  Hey, I have to work on this.  Those scowl marks on my face are becoming more and more permanent here.
3.  Motivate.  Both myself and others.  People (including myself) like you better if you motivate rather than tear down
4.  Be a better father, and more importantly, a better husband.  Sharon does everything for our child; she's tired.  I should try not to put so much unnecessary demand on her and support and appreciate her as much as I know I can.  As for being a better father, well, what do I know about that?  I'm new at this.  I'm just going to be working on it day to day.
5.  Sleep more.  I've always said "I'll have enough time to sleep when I'm dead", but maybe for this year I should make a conscious effort to sleep at least a little more.  Maybe not every single day, but at least try for more than what I am currently getting.  I'm unfortunately not getting any younger and when my body is calling for something it needs, then hell, I should give it to him.
6.  Watch less porn.  (What?  Men watch porn.  If you're a girl and you're reading this and you think the man in your life doesn't watch porn as much as you think he does, guess what?  Double that number.  That's prolly the amount of porn he does watch.  And if you're a man reading this, don't pretend that you don't watch that much).
7.  Try not to let work get to me so much.  It is just work.  At the end of the day, I still go home and I have a life I have to live.  It gives me a good living.  Accept my place there at work (and by that I mean accept the politics going on there, the people I have to work with/work for, the job itself).  I should be looking at my job as if I have something that the "1%" has and not the "other 99%".  This is a great career.  With that said, though...
8.  Take a new class.  Educate myself more.  Get the cobwebby mind working.  I've been static for too long.  Sure I've been learning by just living life, but I have to consciously try a new subject.  I have a few in mind, and I really hope that this time next year I'll be taking a class (or two) in something I'm actually passionate about.  Even though it might not lead me to a new career, I can't let my mind just fester.
9.  Less Mac time.  This internet thing is a point of contention.  Time to prioritize and organize.
10.  Give one compliment a day to someone.  It won't hurt.  I'll start by thanking you.  It's sort of weird to me that when I started this blog, I figured no one would want to read my ramblings or inner thoughts and feelings.  I also thought I'd be embarrassed if anyone actually did (okay, fine, I still am embarrassed, but what am I going to do?  Stop posting?  I am nothing if not a creature of habit when it comes to this kind of thing).  Plus, it's sort of gay But then, hello, the internet is such a vast place that there is no such thing as privacy if I'm going through this medium.  And I figure for the handful of people that I am aware that does read this thing, that you people are my friends and I don't mind you knowing what I share.  So to you, I say this:  you are awesome.  You make me quench my thirst for my attention-whoring/look-at-me-look-at-me.  Chances are, you make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me think and you make me feel.  You make me embarrassed as hell if you ever mention to me in person that you read a post on my blog, but don't mind that.  That's who I am.  I look forward to seeing you more this coming year and into the future, and don't ever forget that to someone as lowly as me, that you are awesome.  (Especially you)

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